Captain John Smith, Professional Jailbird

Although he's famous for announcing that "he who did not work would not eat," John Smith was actually a bit of a wild man.   You probably remember Smith as the guy who was rescued by Pocahontas, but Captain Smith was so much more than that.  In honor of Thanksgiving, let's take a closer look at one of America's first colonists.

In addition to leading the English settlement of Jamestown and all the Pocahontas business, Smith was also a soldier-for-hire, pressed into slavery for the Turks, and repeatedly arrested by the other colonists.  When Thanksgiving came around, Smith was just happy to be alive and out of the slammer.

Here's a rundown of the many times and places Captain Smith was taken into custody:

The Turkish Campaign - around the ripe old age of 20, Smith was captured in the "Long War" and sent to Constantinople as a slave. (1) His mistress allegedly fell in love with Smith and sent him to her brother's house  (2) hoping conditions would be better for him.  Apparently, they were not.  John eventually killed the brother and made his escape.

1606 - Smith decided to try his hand at exploring.  On the ship heading over to what would become the United States, he was accused of mutiny, almost hanged, and placed into custody. (3) He spent his first few weeks at the colony of Jamestown in a makeshift jail. (4)

1607 - One of Smith's first actions once released was to help overthrow the current leadership of Jamestown.  Hmm, he was a little mutinous.

The Pocahontas Incident - While exploring the Chickahominy River, Smith ran into a band of Native Americans from the Powhatan Confederacy, and you guessed it, was captured again. (5) Allegedly, the twelve-year-old Pocahontas saved his life, and he subsequently enjoyed good relations with Chief Powhatan and the tribe.

The Chickahominy expedition was a disaster, though, and the colonists put Smith in jail for a little while for botching it. (6)  Smith may have been getting a little fed up with being arrested.

In the years following, Captain Smith started taking his revenge.  He gained control of the colony, instituted strict rules, including the "work to eat" maxim, and started attacking the natives, burning villages, and impressing some into forced labor.

Then in 1609, Smith was injured during in-fighting among the colonists and sent back to England to face charges.  There is no record of what happened, but I bet he was taken into custody yet again. (7?)

In 1614, he made one more trip to The New World, where he visited Maine and Massachusetts Bay and named the area New England.  He wanted to make further trips, but everyone thought he was too much of a  maverick - or just didn't like him.  It seems his reputation had preceded him, and nobody wanted to travel with Captain Smith.  He spent the rest of his life writing books and staying out of trouble.

John Smith: adventurer, explorer and loose cannon

Today's Wackadoodle - The Anteater

The Giant Anteater never gets a chance to enjoy a meal.  Nearly blind and armed only by his long, sticky tongue, he has to vigorously lick up his food - ants and termites - as fast as possible before the insects have a chance to bite him.  As if that wasn't enough pressure, the anteater must find and consume up to 35,000 ants and termites each day to survive.

Anteaters are currently found only in South and Central America.  However, people living in areas with ant or termite problems might wonder if they can't employ a few anteaters to feast on the troublesome critters in their town.  This sounds logical, but the problem is that the anteater only eats a percentage of the ants from each mound he finds.  He never destroys the ant beds themselves, preferring to leave them intact for a later meal.

So you probably won't see an anteater cleaning up your local baseball diamond any time soon.  But in the meantime, here are a few fun facts about this funny-looking animal:

1) The anteater's closest relative is the sloth - ironic since anteaters are so busy.

2) Peter the Anteater is the mascot of the University of California, Irvine, but anteaters are not native to California.

3) Baby anteaters ride piggyback on top of their mothers for 9 to 10 months until they become independent.

4) Anteaters walk on their knuckles (as if they didn't have enough problems).

5) Male anteaters have hidden penises between their bladders and rectums, while female anteaters store their mammary glands in their armpits.  Weird!

Rob Ford Update - Part 2

Everyone's favorite crack-smoking Canadian politician continues to amaze. In recent days, Mayor Ford has shocked reporters with his vulgar language at a press conference and knocked down an elderly councilwoman during a meeting in City Hall.  To be fair, he did pick the woman back up after he accidentally bowled her over!  Meanwhile, the Toronto City Council continues its efforts to strip Rob Ford of his powers, which Mayor Ford describes as a "coup d'état."  

Rob Ford Update!

Toronto's favorite crack-addled mayor still refuses to step down.  At a recent city council meeting, Mayor Ford resisted the factions forcefully pressing for his resignation and countered by introducing a motion to drug test the entire city council!  Ford said he knows other council members are also drug users, and that while he "isn't a rat" and won't start naming names, he also won't stand for this hypocrisy.  So people of Toronto, don't worry that your mayor smokes a few rocks.  His replacement most likely would do the same! And since Ford's motion to drug test the council didn't pass, we can't even determine which members are clean.

Meet The 'Flume Dog'

I enjoy a log ride as much as the next person, but Jay Marc Harris, a.k.a.'Flume Dog,' really, really loves a log ride. From 1985 to 2006, Jay made an annual pilgrimage from his home in Connecticut to ride the log flumes at all the Six Flags theme parks around the country. This ritual came to an abrupt end when the self-styled 'Flume Dog' a.k.a 'Flumie' a.k.a 'The Great Flume' was banned for life from all Six Flags parks for repeatedly asking mothers if he could borrow their sons to accompany him in the log. Now, The Great Flume is suing Six Flags to try to regain access to his beloved log rides.

Flume Dog says he is just a misunderstood log ride fanatic. Because he is a Hasidic Jew and former rabbi, Harris says he can only ride theme park rides with another male and maintains he had no intention to abduct children or harm them in any way. As strange as this sounds, it is at least a plausible argument. The log flume ride seats two people, and single riders are routinely paired up by park staff with whoever is available. Flumie could easily be placed in a boat with a female rider, which would violate his religious beliefs. Unfortunately, this theory does not explain why Harris asked at least one mother if she could take pictures of him enjoying the ride with her son!

Another factor working against Flume Dog is the documentation of multiple instances when he illegally camped out in a Six Flags theme park without permission. In one incident in Atlanta, park employees found him chained to a tree along with his belongings. We'll have to follow Flumie's upcoming trial to see how stories like that might play to a jury.

The log ride in simpler days


San Antonio Express-News: In Court, 'Flume Dog' may have his day

Wild Boar Update!

We already know freakishly large feral pigs are taking over large swaths of Texas, Georgia, and Alabama, but now it looks like the oinking menace is moving west.  The Silicon Valley city of San Jose, California, has declared open season on wild boars roaming around ritzy neighborhoods; the wild hogs are scaring the country club crowd and damaging golf course fairways. San Jose is not going to stand for that.

Officials have given hunters three months to shoot or hog-tie as many of the marauding swine as they can. Oddly, city councilman Johnny Khamis tempered the announcement by saying, "It's not my intention to go out and commit a pig genocide." Genocide?  Has Khamis seen the stats on Hogzillas I and II?  When it comes to the wild hog menace, you have to stand your ground!

San Jose approves wild boar killings, not 'pig genocide'

Rob Ford, Toronto's Crack-Smoking Mayor

Toronto, Canada's Mayor Rob Ford is taking the sleazy politician vibe to a whole new level. I'm from Louisiana, so I don't have very high expectations. The majority of our elected officials end up doing time in prison after their terms end. But I'm still surprised when the mayor of a large city publicly admits he smoked crack during one of his many drunken stupors and expects everyone not to worry.  Ford gave a press conference about his drug use today, where he said he feels a million times better getting all this out in the open and doesn't have any plans to step down.  His argument seems to be that yes, he often gets black-out drunk and may smoke crack, visit a crack house, or who knows what when he's in such a state, but he doesn't believe this makes him any less effective as the mayor of 2.5 million residents.  Then again, should we listen to a guy that doesn't even remember the times he smoked crack?

Toronto Mayor Ford admits crack cocaine use, won't step down