Today's Wackadoodle - Hogzilla

Dallas, Texas has a problem with feral pigs.  The exploding population roams the metro area digging holes, breaking things, and generally reminding residents of the song "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King.  The marauding swine have caused so many problems that the city has hired trapper Osvaldo Rojas and given him three years to turn the vandals into delicious bacon.

This story brings to mind the 2004 news sensation HOGZILLA, an enormous wild boar and domestic pig lovechild who measured between seven and nine feet and weighed 800 pounds.  When Hogzilla originally came on the scene, he was considered by many to be a hoax.  However, scientists in 2005 confirmed that Hogzilla was a real, very large creature.  Then in 2007, an eleven-year-old Alabama boy claimed to have killed Hogzilla II, a feral pig weighing over 1,000 pounds, after shooting it eight times with a pistol.

There are approximately three million feral pigs in Texas today.  With the high number of hogs Osvaldo Rojas will be trapping, I'd say he has a good chance of finding Hogzilla III.

William T. Woodward, the preemptive murderer

Floridian William T. Woodward claims he took a page from President George W. Bush's playbook when he "preemptively" shot three of his neighbors at a Labor Day BBQ.  There had been an ongoing feud between Woodward and the three victims, and Woodward alleges the three men had recently threatened they were going "to get him."  According to his attorneys, Woodward ambushed and shot the three men as a preventative measure.  Two of the men died; the third incredibly survived despite being shot eleven times.

Woodward's legal team argued that his psychotic attack was justified under Florida's controversial "Stand Your Ground" law, which allows deadly force in the face of an imminent threat.  His attorneys also cited "The Bush Doctrine," which was used to justify the invasion of Iraq!  The foreign policy principle dictates that the United States should overthrow foreign governments that threaten US national security, even if the threat is not imminent.  

These legal eagles apparently do not see the difference between the two situations!

Florida man cites 'Bush doctrine' after pre-emptive killing of neighbors at Labor Day cookout

The Magical Narwhal

The unicorns of the sea, Narwhal whales are medium-sized, live in the Arctic, and are potentially magical. Male Narwhals exhibit a spiral tusk between five and ten feet long; the tusk is actually a tooth and much more lightweight than it looks.  The whales use the tusks to break up sea ice or for fencing matches with other Narwhals.

Legends associated with Narwhals exist in several cultures.  Most notably, Narwhal tusks have often been mistaken for the horns of mythical unicorns.  In Medieval Europe, the tusks were believed to cure depression, though it may have been that finding physical evidence for the existence of unicorns simply cheered people up.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narwhal

Today's Wackadoodle - Mayor Stubbs

A yellow tabby cat who also happens to be the Mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska, is recovering today after a brutal attack.  An as yet unidentified local dog ambushed and mauled the long-time Mayor Saturday while he was making his nightly rounds of the town.  Mayor Stubbs suffered serious injuries and had to be placed on a breathing tube.

The brave cat has been successfully governing the town of 800 humans for nearly 16 years.  He was first elected as a write-in candidate when he was only a kitten and has continually proven himself more capable than any available humans.  Under his rule, the tourist town has thrived as a base for expeditions to Mt. McKinley.  Despite Stubb's quirks, such as his insistence on drinking his catnip and water mixture out of a wine glass, the Mayor is considered an effective leader and a positive representative of Talkeetna.

Even though Mayor Stubbs has always enjoyed strong support among the voters, the town is also home to over 800 dogs.  After 16 years living under feline rule, slowly simmering tensions in the canine community may finally be coming to a head.  This weekend's assassination attempt has come as a shock to the townsfolk, who previously believed that the dogs in Talkeetna all respected the Mayor's authority.    

Our thoughts are with Mayor Stubbs as he continues to recover.

Stubbs the cat, Alaska town mayor, mauled by dog

William H. Mumler, ghost photographer

Mostly forgotten today, William H. Mumler (1832–1884) was the post-Civil War inventor of "Spirit Photography," a groundbreaking development process that revealed the ghost of a loved one hovering behind the subject in the photograph.  The first ever "spirit portrait" was a photo of Mumler himself, which when developed clearly showed the specter of his long-deceased cousin in the background.  He went on to create famous "spirit photographs" such as Mary Todd Lincoln with the ghost of Abraham Lincoln behind her.  Though the art form is now discredited, Mumler's business thrived in his heyday.  Following The Civil War, there was no shortage of Americans grieving their lost loved ones, all potential customers.  Mumler's clientele was desperate for a final glimpse of the dearly departed.

The ghost photo business wasn't all rosy, though.  In 1869, Mumler went on trial for fraud plagued by accusations that he had broken into clients' homes to steal photos of their relatives and that the ghosts in the photographs were simply live models.  P.T. Barnum, founder of the Barnum and Bailey Circus, testified against Mumler at the trial and criticized him for exploiting grieving, vulnerable people.  Though Barnum had duped the public early in his own career with such hoaxes as the Feejee Mermaid (actually a monkey) and General Tom Thumb (a five year old dwarf who impersonated a grown man by drinking wine and smoking cigars, which he attested to enjoy), Barnum believed he had been providing harmless entertainment for the public.  Mumler, on the other hand, he argued was inflicting permanent emotional damage on his customers.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_H._Mumler

The Blue-Footed Booby

A type of seabird, the Blue-footed Booby is most famously associated with the Galapagos Islands, where the species was first studied by Charles Darwin.  They are also famous for their intriguing mating ritual.  Male Blue-footed Boobys attract mates by showcasing their bright blue feet in a sexy dance.  The dance may appear awkward to humans, as seabirds are quite clumsy on land and have been compared to drunken clowns staggering about.

When dancing, the brightness of the suitor's feet is very important.  Dullness of the pigmentation is a sign of ill health, and females only lay their largest eggs for beaus who display brilliant blue hues.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue-footed_Booby

The town of Tenterden

The 7,735 residents of Tenterden, England have all gone a little loopy.  The County Kent town has just finished putting up its Christmas lights.  We've all heard gripes about Christmas decorations going up earlier and earlier, but the Tenterdens have taken it to a whole new level.  It's August!

Apparently, the majority of Tenterden's town Christmas lights were stolen last year before they had a chance to put up the holiday display.  The ingenious townsfolk came up with the "Christmas in August" plan to fool any would-be thieves this year, who they speculated would still be busy stealing beach balls and swimwear.

The Telegraph: Kent town is first in country to put up Christmas lights - 121 days early

Today's Wackadoodle - Kim Jong-un

While it's well known that North Korea's Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is a grade A Wackadoodle, news broke today that he's done something shocking even for him.   Nine days ago, Kim Jong-un had his ex-girlfriend and several other members of her music group Unhasu Orchestra executed by firing squad.  The twelve victims, all singers, musicians and dancers, were accused of making their own porno film and selling it in China.  Hyon Song-wol, Kim's former lover, was a singer in the popular group responsible for such hits as "Footsteps of Soldiers," "She is a Discharged Soldier," "We are Troops of the Party," and Hyon's megahit "Excellent Horse-Like Lady."  

Other North Korean pop stars were forced to watch the executions and then deported to work camps, deemed guilt by association.  One former member of the Unhasu Orchestra not deemed guilty by association, however, is Kim Jong-un's wife Ri Sol-ju, which has lead to speculation that jealousy may have been a motive for the killings.  

Kim Jong-un is of course the son of the departed Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, who famously filled his belly with one million dollars of cognac while the North Korean people were eating bark.  Kim Jong-un has only been Supreme Leading the isolated nation since 2011, but he is not wasting time in his quest to live up to his father's crazy legacy.  Despite his youth and inexperience, he has already threatened to nuke Austin, Texas, attempted to build his own Swiss-style ski resort, and struck up a friendship with Dennis Rodman.

The Emperor Tamarin Monkey

Also known as the Mustachioed Emperor Tamarin, this tiny monkey is mainly found in the South American rainforest.  The Emperor Tamarin spends his time jumping from tree to tree, organizing mixers with the Brown-Mantled Tamarin, and of course grooming his beautiful, giant mustache!

The Emperor Tamarin is rumored to be named after German WWI leader Emperor Wilhelm II, who had a thick, upturned mustache. Critics of the Wilhelm II theory dismiss this possibility and say the monkey is obviously named for famous workaholic Emperor Franz Joseph, who ruled the Austro-Hungarian empire from 1848-1916 and had a much bushier mustache.

John Harvey Kellogg

John Harvey Kellogg (1852-1943) was a busy guy.  He was a fanatical promoter of yogurt enemas, one of history's most extreme opponents of masturbation, and the co-inventor of corn flakes.  

He first gained fame for running the Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan, which was a veritable temple to enemas.  Among Kellogg's favorite methods were a machine that rapidly shot gallons of water up the bum, and the yogurt enema, in which a patient would eat half a container of yogurt and the other half would, of course, be shot up his or her bum.  Apparently, celebrity patients from President William Howard Taft to Amelia Earhart to arctic explorers signed up for this cutting edge treatment.

Kellogg also promoted vegetarianism and believed two healthy, basic meals a day would reduce sexual urges, which Kellogg sought to stamp out by any means possible, even among married couples.  He was a fanatical opponent of masturbation and strongly advocated genital mutilation of both sexes to disrupt the practice, promising that it would be even more successful if anesthetic was not  used!  JHK also suggested binding children's hands, covering their private parts with patented cages and electroshock therapy to stop the little ones from touching themselves.  He wrote several books full of similar creepy advice.

Just to top it off, Kellogg supported eugenics, forced sterilization of members of undesirable gene pools, and co-founded the "Race Betterment Foundation."

Despite his busy schedule, he also found time to co-invent Corn Flakes with his much less freaky brother W.K.  Kellogg.  So just remember that the funding for corn flakes came from genital mutilation and blasting yogurt up wealthy buttholes.  I'm sticking with Shredded Wheat.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Harvey_Kellogg