Pierre the Pelican after Plastic Surgery

Do you remember how Pierre the Pelican, the New Orleans Pelicans NBA team's new mascot, was terrifying everyone on the internet?  The newly minted bird monster was parodied in just about every creative way possible.  He was photoshopped into Edvard Munch's The Scream, stills of Carrie, The Shining,and just about every other horror movie ever made, and on and on.  Well apparently, Pierre let all the criticism get to him and negatively affect his self-esteem, because he's just undergone massive plastic surgery. Pierre revealed his "new face" at the 2014 NBA All-Star game. His doctored beak now looks closer to a real pelican than an evil clown, though he still isn't what we could really call attractive. But with plastic surgery, where does it end?

Let's do the comparison:

A real pelican

Scary Pierre the Pelican BEFORE

Pierre the Pelican POST-OP

The First United Naked Church of Virginia

In nudist news, a Christian church outside of Richmond, Virginia, has been successfully holding all their services in the buff.  The members of the congregation and their Pastor Allen Parker say the nakedness is symbolic of the equality among all people before God and is not at all sexy.  Pastor Parker went on to say that the whole point is "baring his soul to Christ, " and no, he did not start giggling when he said this.  I've seen a documentary on nudist colonies, and I have to say I fully believe him regarding the unsexiness factor; nudism doesn't seem to be a magnet for the most attractive members of the population. And while I agree that clothes can really differentiate members of a community and identify disparities in economic and social status, there is already a solution for this - uniforms.  These people just need to send an order off for some matching robes or jumpsuits or whatever they wear in North Korea.

My favorite part of this church is that many members still come to the services naked in the winter - when the temperature regularly dips into the 20s and they're freezing and shivering.  Now that is dedication!  Church ladies everywhere need to step up their game.

[PHOTO CENSORED!]

Central VA Congregation worships nude

Joel Rakower, the New Yorker who smuggled 40,000 man-eating piranhas into the U.S.

Uh oh...what was this guy thinking?  The last thing America needs right now is the illegal immigration of 40,000 homicidal fish. The pacu fish scare may have turned out to be (mainly) a hoax, but piranhas are the real deal! This is the fish you order for the mote in your supervillain-style lair.

Joel Rakower, the New York City piranha smuggler in question, may or may not be a henchman for some Dr. Evil wannabe. His evil plot was actually very simple; he smuggled the piranhas into the country from a supplier in Hong Kong labeled as a harmless aquarium fish.  Now he's agreed to pay $70,000 in fines, and "his company" is on probation. But somehow, I don't think this is going to be the last we hear of Mr. Rakower. A slap on the wrist is not going to phase Joel - the guy works with sinister piranhas who've just come off a long-haul flight!

It's safe to say we've found one American who is clearly not afraid of piranhas. Interestingly, the rest of us in the U.S.A. have former President Teddy Roosevelt to thank for our healthy fear of the flesh-shredding swimmers. In 1914, Roosevelt published an account of his adventures in the Brazilian rainforest and described piranhas as "the most ferocious fish in the world," who will, "snap a finger off a hand incautiously trailed in the water," and will "devour alive any wounded man or beast." He went on to depict their razor-sharp teeth, their "malignant eyes," their "evil ferocity," their "savage fury," and just to make sure everyone was thoroughly terrified, their "extraordinary squealing sound."

Apparently, Joel did not get the memo.

The embodiment of all evil


New York man pleads guilty to smuggling nearly 40,000 piranhas into the U.S.

Neak Ta, the Cambodian spirits causing mass factory faintings

A New York Times op-ed last week introduced the rest of us to the neak ta, Cambodian spirits who cause mass faintings of garment factory workers when they're not respected. That respect often involves a sacrificial chicken.  Interestingly, the neak ta have also been possessing the bodies of female workers and winning them better wages, succeeding where organizing efforts have failed.  Cambodian factory owners are apparently much more open to placating a deity than negotiating with a union.

The neak ta are guardian spirits that predate Buddhism and are believed to keep watch over a specific piece of land.  Often, their ire is inadvertently raised by hasty factory construction practices, for example, cutting down a banyan tree where a spirit has lived for thousands of years.  When the spirit is insulted, he gets his revenge on the owners by causing the factory's predominantly female work staff to pass out en masse and shut down production.  After that happens, most of the managers seem to take the neak ta more seriously.  Typically, the spirit communicates his demands to management by entering the body of one of the workers.  Popular demands from the supernatural beings include food, cigarettes, and better working conditions for the women.

A banyan tree, possibly inhabited by neak ta

Kayla Shavers: Unfit Mother...or Hogzilla Hunter?

The great wild hog menace sweeping across America is well-documented by now.  So can we blame Florida's Kayla Marie Shavers for leaving her nine-year-old and eight-month-old children in the car to go hunt possible candidates for Hogzilla III?  True to form, the hogs had been ransacking her property, and Kayla was fed up. It was just under 40 degrees outside, and Shavers's older child, who didn't appreciate being left in the cold car, called the police in to rescue him.  The hog-hunting mom was arrested for child neglect, and presumably, the menacing feral pigs escaped once again.

Kayla Shavers dispute the charges and claims she left the little complainer the keys to start the car if he needed to warm up.  But is the issue really whether this kid should be a little bit tougher, or is the issue that she left a nine-year-old in charge of a baby and a car? Clearly, Shavers thinks this is the kind of thing you have to do to nab a wild boar.

Florida Woman Left Young Kids in Car to Go Hog Hunting: Deputies

The Litigious Portlandia Pimp

Sirgiorgio Clardy, a pimp from Portland, Oregon, is suing the Nike tennis shoe company for failing to warn him that it might be dangerous to savagely beat customers and employees with their shoes. The short-tempered pimp is seeking $100 million dollars in damages, $1 million dollars for each of the 100 years he has been sentenced to prison for a vicious attack on a tight-fisted john and one of his prostitutes.  The crux of his whimsical legal argument is that Sirgiorgio (almost certain to be a made-up name) received a heftier punishment because the court in Oregon classified his Nike shoe as a "dangerous weapon."  Clardy claims Nike should have put a warning on or inside the sneakers alerting the wearer that the shoe could inflict serious bodily harm if employed in a homicidal frenzy. Sir Giorgio, excuse me, Sirgiorgio, is not just a violent maniac. He is a violent maniac with a very active imagination.

Warning: Not suitable for a mild beat-down


Pimp sues Nike for not warning shoes could be dangerous if used to beat people

La Befana, domestic goddess

Tonight is a special night in Italy, because La Befana is coming!  La Befana is an old woman who flies around on a broomstick with a big bag of candy visiting all the children's houses to fill their stockings.  You know the drill.  The children leave out a little wine and food to welcome (bribe) La Befana.  If the children have been good, they will get some treats.  If they've been bad, they will get a lump of coal.  La Befana loves to clean, so she might even sweep your house a bit when she comes!  Yea, she's a little OCD.

For anyone keeping track, the arrival of La Befana coincides with the Christian Feast of the Epiphany, also known as the twelfth day of Christmas, which marks the end of the period known as Christmastide or Yuletide.  This means Christmas is officially over, so you can take down your decorations.  Maybe La Befana will tidy up for you.

Krampus, by far the scariest character of the Christmas season

If you were worried about The Yule Lads running off with your sausages and candles or Perchta filling your belly with straw and pebbles, get ready for Krampus, the German Christmas demon. Those other Christmas ne'er-do-wells might give you a present if you've been good, but Krampus strictly punishes bad children. He might capture them in a sack and drag them off to his evil lair.  He might beat them senseless with birch branches. If they're lucky, he'll just frighten them out of their wits with rusty chains and bells. Krampus is simply an evil Christmas character that exists to strike fear into the hearts of kinder everywhere.

Popular in Austria and surrounding regions, Krampus has cloven hooves, the horns of a goat, and a crazy red tongue. The name "Krampus" comes from the Old High German for "claw." The Krampus legend originated in pre-Christian Germanic folklore and never mellowed over the years the way other Christmas characters like The Yule Lads did. In the nineteenth century, Krampus was often depicted working hand in hand with Santa Claus - Santa concerned himself with the good children, and Krampus took care of the bad ones. These days, drunken young men in places like Austria and southern Germany are encouraged to dress up in hideous Krampus masks and costumes during the Christmas season and roam around town traumatizing the children.  This is called a Krampuslauf and traditionally takes place on December 5th, something to keep in mind if you're planning a family holiday trip to Austria!

A sight a young child isn't likely to forget

Perchta, the Christmas visitor who will fill your insides with straw

Instead of commenting on Dennis Rodman's umpteenth trip to North Korea or the Duck Dynasty "just in time for Christmas" controversy, I thought we could take a look at some more European Christmas folklore.  And Perchta, today's entry, is decidedly crazier than Phil Robertson. Called Bertha in English, she's a supernatural being of German pre-Christian origin who arrives during the twelve days of Christmas. Like Santa Claus, Perchta might leave you a little present if you've been good.  If you've been slacking, however, this winter deity will slit your belly open and fill your insides with straw and pebbles.

The threat of being filled with straw was traditionally levied at children and servants, two groups in the household that parents wanted to focus on their work during the autumn. In particular, Perchta targets those who have not spun their quota of cloth for the winter. Interestingly, there seems to be a lot of Christmas folklore centered around getting your spinning done. I hope you have finished your allotment of wool by now.  If not, get ready to either be eaten by the Icelandic Christmas cat or have your belly slit open and filled with straw by Perchta. Merry Christmas!

Straw waiting to be packed inside your belly

The Yule Lads, Iceland's 13 Bad Santas

Today, December 12th, is a very special day for children in Iceland. It marks the arrival of Stekkjarstaur, the first of "The Yule Lads," Iceland's 13 mischievous, misbehaving Santa Clauses. One Yule Lad arrives each night from now until "Yule," aka Christmas Day. According to tradition, The Yule Lads are the unruly sons of the mountain-dwelling troll Grýla and her henpecked elf husband Leppalúði. They're a far cry from jolly old St. Nick, but a lot more fun. For example, Stekkjarstaur, whose English name is Sheep-Cote Clod, loves to irritate sheep but has trouble because of his awkward peg legs. He is often depicted attempting to mount a sheep, which I suspect is a tongue-in-cheek joke for the adults! He is a particularly fitting first arrival in Iceland where sheep outnumber people.

The story of The Yule Lads was originally developed to scare children into behaving. The 13 ne'er-do-wells are always looking for something to steal and even have an evil cat named Jólaköttur, who eats children who don't receive new clothes for Christmas. Tonight's visitor Sheep-Cote Clod will be followed tomorrow by Gully Gawk, who steals cow's milk, Stubby, a very short Lad who steals pans to eat the crust, then Spoon Licker, Pot Scraper, Bowl Licker, Door Slammer, Skyr Gobbler (Skyr being a very tasty Icelandic version of yogurt), Sausage Swiper, Window Peeper, Doorway Sniffer, who is trying to find laufabraud, a special fried holiday bread, to steal, and finally Meat Hook and Candle Stealer, who traditionally thieves tallow candles made of lard and eats them.

Every night, the wee ones will put out a shoe in their windowsill and hope that they have been good and will receive a present in the morning. If they've been bad, they will probably wake up to find a potato. Children are encouraged to place an appropriate bribe in the shoe for each Yule Lad to have a better chance, and there are plenty of publications suggesting the best treat for each one, such as a carrot or some cookies. Candle Stealer, naturally, responds best to a delicious candle.

Window Peeper, the voyeuristic Yule Lad

Sausage Swiper

Skyr Gobbler and Window Peeper depicted on Icelandic milk carton