Thursday, October 3, 2013

Raccoon Gangs of New York

First giant hogs were terrorizing Dallas. Then Atlanta suburbanites couldn't let their children walk to the bus stop for fear of swine attack. Now, New York City residents are complaining that raccoons are menacing groggy commuters at the subway station. Alright, humans. It's a given that a 1,000 pound boar at the entrance to the N train would definitely be intimidating, but are raccoons really that scary? Or is this just another case of media sensationalism?

To get to the bottom of this, let's review a few reasons why humans might be afraid of raccoons:

1) They wear masks like burglars - Okay, raccoons may be known as the "masked bandits," but aren't there also masked heroes?  Zorro wore a mask.  Batman wears a mask.  In fact, a lot of superheroes wear masks. Plus, the overall appearance of raccoons can be generally classified as "cute."  They look like some sort of a mixture between a dog and a cat, humans' two favorite pets.

VERDICT: Stupid reason to be afraid of raccoons.

2) They dig in the trash.  This one has some promise.  Bears dig in the trash, and they also occasionally eat people.  But a lovable, domesticated dog or a cat is also happy to dig in the trash if they get a chance, albeit not as skillfully as a raccoon, and that doesn't terrify us.

VERDICT: Annoying, but not a good reason to fear raccoons.

3) Raccoons sometimes become freakishly obese from gorging on trash. As cute as some raccoons can be, the sight of an obese raccoon is alarming.  I once saw one squatting on my neighbor's porch swing who looked to weigh about 40 pounds, and I admit my first instinct was to run. Presumably, an obese raccoon is a raccoon who has no fear of humans and is aggressive about getting more than his fair share of the garbage food pie.

VERDICT: A decent reason to be afraid of fat raccoons.

4) Raccoons carry rabies, don't they?  Well yes, just not for very long.  According to the Humane Society, raccoons are the #1 rabies carriers of the eastern U.S.  However, rabid raccoons usually don't last more than one to three days before they kick the bucket, meaning the odds are in your favor that you won't come across a rabies-crazed maniac raccoon. In fact, there is only one documented case of a human death caused by a raccoon infected with rabies.

VERDICT: A highly unlikely but still justifiable reason to shun raccoons.

5) Some raccoons are aggressive during the mating season and may bite.  I don't see an upside to this.

VERDICT: A good reason to feel alarmed by a raccoon waiting next to you on the train platform.

6) The Aztecs were big fans of both human sacrifice and raccoons.  The Aztecs practiced ridiculous, gratuitous levels of human sacrifice.  They also associated supernatural powers with raccoons. Could there be a connection?

VERDICT: Completely irrational reasoning, but probably still best to avoid raccoons.




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