The Lemurs of Madagascar

Lemurs are creatures found solely on the isolated island of Madagascar off the east coast of Africa, a place of astonishing biological wonders. They are little, furry primates resembling the ancient ancestors of monkeys, remarkably similar to long-extinct animals revealed in sixty million year old fossils.  The lemurs of today have large eyes, wet, long snouts similar to a dog's nose, and somewhat resemble cats, squirrels, and mice.

There are around sixty different types of lemurs in Madagascar, from the pygmy mouse lemur, the tiniest of the lemurs and the world's smallest primate, to the Indri, the largest of the lemurs who are famous for singing like whales.  Lemurs mainly live in the top tree canopy of rainforests and jungle.  Sadly, deforestation in Madagascar has decimated lemurs' habitats, and combined with some hunting, has landed all lemurs squarely on the endangered species list.  President Rajaonarimampianina, the new leader of Madagascar, has taken an interest in lemur conservation since gaining power.  The President has been working with foreign conservation groups to improve conditions and prospects for the lemurs.  In October 2014, Madagascar hosted the first "World Lemur Festival," which ended in "World Lemur Day" on October 31st. (When you dress up as a lemur for Halloween, you are celebrating two holidays at once.)

If you visit Madagascar, local guides and various companies from the burgeoning eco-tourism industry will be happy to take you out on a trek to see the captivating lemurs.  Or if you're in the United States, you can visit the Duke University Lemur Center in North Carolina.  For $95, you can watch lemurs fingerpaint on the "Painting with Lemurs" tour.  You choose three colors for the lemurs to work with, and they let you keep the painting. That's a conversation starter!

A Seagull Serial Killer Copycat?

About a year ago, Louisiana's Jackoby Bertot ran afoul of the Migratory Bird Act of 1918 for running over 49 defenseless seagulls with his truck in a shopping center parking lot outside New Orleans.  Now, 17 year old Wesley Franatovich has been arrested for the exact same crime in the exact same parking lot.  The teen killed two birds, which makes him our second seagull serial killer.  Whether he got the idea from reading about Bertot's crimes is unknown.  Most likely, he just couldn't resist the urge to scatter a flock of seagulls. However, his father says his darling son didn't mean to kill any birds while driving through the dense gathering of approximately 500 gulls and wants us to believe that young Wesley is just a bad driver.

This guy's not buying it.

http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2014/08/teen_arrested_accused_of_runni.html

The Tasmanian Devil

While we're on the subject of animals terrorizing Australia, this is a good time to take a closer look at the Tasmanian Devil. While many of us outside of the island state of Tasmania might associate the Tasmanian Devil with the Looney Tunes cartoon character, real tasmanian devils are very interesting, albeit emotionally unstable animals. Like the cartoon version, tasmanian devils in the wild will eat just about anything, and they use their powerful jaws to devour all parts of their prey in an uncontrollable rage. They were named "devils" in part after humans witnessed their eating habits. But in fact, these marsupials fly into a frightening, psychotic rage pretty much anytime something doesn't go their way, such as when they encounter rival males or predators.  Combined with their pungent, foul odor and the belief that they were attacking livestock, tasmanian devils didn't traditionally win many human friends.

That has changed recently. Since the 1990s, tasmanian devil populations haven been fighting a contagious cancer called devil facial tumor disease. The facial cancer epidemic causes the normally ravenous devils to eventually die of starvation, and in a twist of fate, humans are now working to save them.

[Tasmanian Devil markingsCC BY-SA 2.0

Willis Lim - http://www.flickr.com/photos/willislim/3172976845/in/photostream/]

Cane Toads

In certain regions of Australia, cane toads are everywhere.  In fact, there are so many giant cane toads littering fields and roads that locals play a game to see how many they can hit with their car. The unattractive, bulbous creatures are not native to Australia and are considered an invading menace by the population.

Cane toads were originally brought into the country from Hawaii in the 1930s in the hope that they would eat and eradicate the cane beetle, a pest which at the time was devastating the sugar cane harvest.  That didn't work.  Instead, the original 3,000 cane toads proceeded to lay oodles of tadpoles, multiply like wildfire, and cover the region like a plague.  Today, cane toads blanket several states of Australia and continue to expand at an alarming rate.

To learn more about cane toads, their sworn enemies, and the strange few who love them, check out the highly entertaining film Cane Toads: An Unnatural History or the recent sequel Cane Toads: The Conquest.

The Valais Blacknose Sheep

This type of sheep looks like a cross between a child's stuffed animal and a cartoon drawing of a sheep.  The audaciously cute (though fake-looking) creature dwells in the Valais region of Switzerland, hence the name.  Fun fact: Valais is famous as the home of the Matterhorn, one of the highest peaks in The Alps and the inspiration for a pretty fun ride at Disneyland. But back to the animals...

Let's take a look at some typical sheep:

Pretty basic.  Now, brace yourself for the Valais Blacknose Sheep:

Woah!  What an improvement!

I wish all sheep looked like this.

The Tapir, a truly strange looking, but also surprisingly cute animal

The Tapir is one of those animals you may not have ever heard of.  It's sort of like a cross between a pig and an anteater...and let's face it - the taper is basically ugly.  Sorry, tapir.

But there's more to tapirs than meets the eye.  For example, male tapirs have exceptionally large penises. Also, their nostrils look like side by side vacuum hoses.  Interestingly, they are a relative of rhinoceroses and horses. Tapirs can live in dry climates, but when they live near water, they spend a lot of time swimming.  When they swim, they use their funny noses as snorkels.  Wait a minute...getting cuter?

There are a lot of different types of tapirs, but the cool thing is they all look the same as babies, which is like this:

No matter what color or type or region of the world the tapir is from, the baby sports this adorable stripes and spots pattern. The purpose of the pattern is probably some helpful camouflage to make the babies less vulnerable to predators. Whatever the reason, if you google photos of baby tapirs, don't blame me if this dark horse-rhino-pig becomes your new favorite animal.

Pierre the Pelican after Plastic Surgery

Do you remember how Pierre the Pelican, the New Orleans Pelicans NBA team's new mascot, was terrifying everyone on the internet?  The newly minted bird monster was parodied in just about every creative way possible.  He was photoshopped into Edvard Munch's The Scream, stills of Carrie, The Shining,and just about every other horror movie ever made, and on and on.  Well apparently, Pierre let all the criticism get to him and negatively affect his self-esteem, because he's just undergone massive plastic surgery. Pierre revealed his "new face" at the 2014 NBA All-Star game. His doctored beak now looks closer to a real pelican than an evil clown, though he still isn't what we could really call attractive. But with plastic surgery, where does it end?

Let's do the comparison:

A real pelican

Scary Pierre the Pelican BEFORE

Pierre the Pelican POST-OP

Joel Rakower, the New Yorker who smuggled 40,000 man-eating piranhas into the U.S.

Uh oh...what was this guy thinking?  The last thing America needs right now is the illegal immigration of 40,000 homicidal fish. The pacu fish scare may have turned out to be (mainly) a hoax, but piranhas are the real deal! This is the fish you order for the mote in your supervillain-style lair.

Joel Rakower, the New York City piranha smuggler in question, may or may not be a henchman for some Dr. Evil wannabe. His evil plot was actually very simple; he smuggled the piranhas into the country from a supplier in Hong Kong labeled as a harmless aquarium fish.  Now he's agreed to pay $70,000 in fines, and "his company" is on probation. But somehow, I don't think this is going to be the last we hear of Mr. Rakower. A slap on the wrist is not going to phase Joel - the guy works with sinister piranhas who've just come off a long-haul flight!

It's safe to say we've found one American who is clearly not afraid of piranhas. Interestingly, the rest of us in the U.S.A. have former President Teddy Roosevelt to thank for our healthy fear of the flesh-shredding swimmers. In 1914, Roosevelt published an account of his adventures in the Brazilian rainforest and described piranhas as "the most ferocious fish in the world," who will, "snap a finger off a hand incautiously trailed in the water," and will "devour alive any wounded man or beast." He went on to depict their razor-sharp teeth, their "malignant eyes," their "evil ferocity," their "savage fury," and just to make sure everyone was thoroughly terrified, their "extraordinary squealing sound."

Apparently, Joel did not get the memo.

The embodiment of all evil


New York man pleads guilty to smuggling nearly 40,000 piranhas into the U.S.

Today's Wackadoodle - The Anteater

The Giant Anteater never gets a chance to enjoy a meal.  Nearly blind and armed only by his long, sticky tongue, he has to vigorously lick up his food - ants and termites - as fast as possible before the insects have a chance to bite him.  As if that wasn't enough pressure, the anteater must find and consume up to 35,000 ants and termites each day to survive.

Anteaters are currently found only in South and Central America.  However, people living in areas with ant or termite problems might wonder if they can't employ a few anteaters to feast on the troublesome critters in their town.  This sounds logical, but the problem is that the anteater only eats a percentage of the ants from each mound he finds.  He never destroys the ant beds themselves, preferring to leave them intact for a later meal.

So you probably won't see an anteater cleaning up your local baseball diamond any time soon.  But in the meantime, here are a few fun facts about this funny-looking animal:

1) The anteater's closest relative is the sloth - ironic since anteaters are so busy.

2) Peter the Anteater is the mascot of the University of California, Irvine, but anteaters are not native to California.

3) Baby anteaters ride piggyback on top of their mothers for 9 to 10 months until they become independent.

4) Anteaters walk on their knuckles (as if they didn't have enough problems).

5) Male anteaters have hidden penises between their bladders and rectums, while female anteaters store their mammary glands in their armpits.  Weird!

Wild Boar Update!

We already know freakishly large feral pigs are taking over large swaths of Texas, Georgia, and Alabama, but now it looks like the oinking menace is moving west.  The Silicon Valley city of San Jose, California, has declared open season on wild boars roaming around ritzy neighborhoods; the wild hogs are scaring the country club crowd and damaging golf course fairways. San Jose is not going to stand for that.

Officials have given hunters three months to shoot or hog-tie as many of the marauding swine as they can. Oddly, city councilman Johnny Khamis tempered the announcement by saying, "It's not my intention to go out and commit a pig genocide." Genocide?  Has Khamis seen the stats on Hogzillas I and II?  When it comes to the wild hog menace, you have to stand your ground!

San Jose approves wild boar killings, not 'pig genocide'

Scary Pierre the Pelican

The NBA team the New Orleans Hornets changed their name to the New Orleans Pelicans, and last night they introduced their new mascot Pierre the Pelican.  Pierre is yellow and blue with an enormous red clown mouth and a giant mohawk.  In other words, he doesn't look anything like a pelican.  Pierre looks a lot more like a scary monster, and he has the internet on edge.

Here's a rundown of the different ways Pierre has struck terror into the hearts of bloggers everywhere:

The Pelicans' New Mascot Pierre Will Haunt Your Dreams (Bleacher Report)

The 10 Most Terrifying Pictures of Pierre the Pelican (Black & Gold Review)

Pierre the New Orleans Pelican is the scariest thing ever, the internet responds (SB Nation)

New Orleans Pelicans unveil terrifying new mascot (USA Today)

Pierre the Pelican draws a sharp social media reaction (Nola.com)

The New Orleans Pelicans' Mascot Is Here to Terrify Your Children (Dead Spin)

The New Orleans Pelicans' Mascot is Terrifying Everyone (Daily Dot)


We even have lone wolf Alex Woodward coming to Pierre's defense:

I support Pierre the Pelican, and so should you (Gambit Online)


Now, judge for yourself. Happy Halloween!!

A real pelican

Pierre the Pelican

Real Life 'Snakes on a Plane' Guy

I know what you're thinking, and no, William Wylly Lamar was not bringing hundreds of snakes on a plane in an attempt to kill a trial witness.  He was simply smuggling seven snakes from Lima, Peru, back to Tyler, Texas - in his jacket. I can't imagine why seven serpents on a multi-leg international flight wouldn't just cooperate and sleep quietly while squished tightly into a stuffy coat pocket, but there you go. The news report doesn't say how the TSA caught William with the snakes, but most likely, he had to send his jacket through the X-ray machine. Sorry, Mr. Lamar, but I don't think a technician is going to skip over an image that looks like the Nazi snake pit from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Willy Wylly, as I imagine his friends call him, works as an ecotourism guide - exactly the type of person who should know it's illegal to transport wild animals out of Peru without permission.  I don't think I'll be signing up for a tour!

Man Gets Probation for Smuggling Snakes on Planes

The Wallyworld Gator

A six-foot alligator in Apopka, Florida, planted himself in front of the local Wal-Mart this weekend. He wasn't doing much; he just sat there causing the automatic doors to open and close over and over until the alarmed workers finally figured out how to lock him out. This precaution turned out to be unnecessary, however, as the swamp-dwelling reptile was not ultimately interested in entering the store - possibly due to the negligible savings margins in many departments after you pass the lead promotional items. 

As for Wal-Mart's customers, the brave shoppers were not afraid of the alligator. Quite the opposite: the store's patrons took photos and seemed to really enjoy the incident! For The People of Wal-Mart, a large predator is just the thing to spice up the day. 

Alligator forces Walmart to lock doors

Today's Wackadoodle - Fishzilla

Alert all the Loch Ness Monster hunters: an eighteen foot long, three hundred pound oarfish has washed up on the California coast. The giant sea creature is slimy, requires fifteen people to lift it, and is clearly a nightmare-inducing serpent of the deep. This isn't the first monster oarfish to wash up, though. In 1996, a twenty-three foot oarfish was found on a beach near San Diego. All in all, I'd say it looks like Hogzilla has some maritime competition!

For rather obvious reasons, oarfish are thought to have inspired most legends of sea serpents. They descend to ocean depths of up to 3,000 feet and are rarely seen by humans, which makes them extra scary. Who knows what they're doing down there! But on the plus side, since it's so close to Halloween you and a dozen friends could do Fishzilla as a group costume!

Remains of the 1996 Oarfish


18-Foot-Long Serpent-Like Sea Creature Caught off Calif. Coast

Antechinus, the Suicidal Sex Mouse

The Antechinus is a mouse-like creature who waits till the last two weeks of his life to mate, and then gets at it so vigorously that it kills him.  In his horny swan song, the little marsupial transforms from life-long monk to rabid nymphomaniac,  copulating as much as possible with as many partners as possible, for sessions lasting up to fourteen hours at a time. This level of performance takes its toll. The overtaxed male Antechinus's body releases stress hormones which lead to the disintegration of his immune system, internal bleeding, gangrene, and finally, certain death.

Wow. I'm so glad humans don't have this system. Could you imagine if men were celibate until the age of seventy and then suddenly started fornicating themselves to death in continuous orgies? On second thought, do not try to imagine this.

http://www.scienceworldreport.com/articles/10167/20131012/male-antechinus-die-excessive-mating.htm

Paradise Newland & her Dolphin Doulas

Have you ever wondered why you have to give birth surrounded by boring humans? Instead of a midwife, why not a bobcat? Instead of a doctor, why not a duck? If you are so far out that this makes sense to you, you may be the perfect client for the Sirius Institute for dolphin-assisted birth.

Paradise Newland, also known as Star Newland, is the founder of the Sirius Institute and will be  happy to set you up with an underwater birth surrounded by dolphins in Hawaii. Maybe that's just what you've been looking for to spice up the otherwise humdrum miracle of life, but let's take a closer look. Is this a good idea - newborn + wild animals?

Paradise/Star certainly thinks so. On her website, she claims that babies born among dolphins develop faster, have heavier brains, and are ambidextrous(!) Ms. Newland also says "research sufficient for us," i.e. research that personally convinced Paradise Newland, proves dolphins can help heal depression, autism, Down's syndrome, and cerebral palsy.

But what if you still aren't convinced? Paradise warns that if you have a dolphin-free birth and get an epidural, your child is 3 times more likely to be a drug addict. Ouch!

Of course, there are also reasons why you might not want to pass your placenta into dolphin-infested waters. The New York Times reported research that concluded "dolphins seem to have murderous urges unrelated to the need for food," and also cited scientists who have seen evidence of dolphin infanticide, i.e. dolphins murdering newborn dolphins. There is also evidence dolphins kill baby porpoises. Hmmm, how many different species of babies do dolphins need to kill before we can agree they may not make the best doulas?

A pod of dolphins ready to catch your baby

Boogie, the Marathon-Running Dog

A chocolate lab named Boogie recently gained fame for running away from his owner - and then running a half marathon. Boogie completed the 13.1 mile race in 2 hours 15 minutes, putting him squarely in the top half of participants. The dog received a medal for the accomplishment.

According to Popular Mechanics, the best animals for marathon running- aside from humans - include horses, camels, sled dogs, pronghorn antelope and ostriches. These animals would all be likely to beat Boogie in his next race.



Indiana Dog That Crashed Half-Marathon Gets Medal

Raccoon Gangs of New York

First giant hogs were terrorizing Dallas. Then Atlanta suburbanites couldn't let their children walk to the bus stop for fear of swine attack. Now, New York City residents are complaining that raccoons are menacing groggy commuters at the subway station. Alright, humans. It's a given that a 1,000 pound boar at the entrance to the N train would definitely be intimidating, but are raccoons really that scary? Or is this just another case of media sensationalism?

To get to the bottom of this, let's review a few reasons why humans might be afraid of raccoons:

1) They wear masks like burglars - Okay, raccoons may be known as the "masked bandits," but aren't there also masked heroes?  Zorro wore a mask.  Batman wears a mask.  In fact, a lot of superheroes wear masks. Plus, the overall appearance of raccoons can be generally classified as "cute."  They look like some sort of a mixture between a dog and a cat, humans' two favorite pets.

VERDICT: Stupid reason to be afraid of raccoons.

2) They dig in the trash.  This one has some promise.  Bears dig in the trash, and they also occasionally eat people.  But a lovable, domesticated dog or a cat is also happy to dig in the trash if they get a chance, albeit not as skillfully as a raccoon, and that doesn't terrify us.

VERDICT: Annoying, but not a good reason to fear raccoons.

3) Raccoons sometimes become freakishly obese from gorging on trash. As cute as some raccoons can be, the sight of an obese raccoon is alarming.  I once saw one squatting on my neighbor's porch swing who looked to weigh about 40 pounds, and I admit my first instinct was to run. Presumably, an obese raccoon is a raccoon who has no fear of humans and is aggressive about getting more than his fair share of the garbage food pie.

VERDICT: A decent reason to be afraid of fat raccoons.

4) Raccoons carry rabies, don't they?  Well yes, just not for very long.  According to the Humane Society, raccoons are the #1 rabies carriers of the eastern U.S.  However, rabid raccoons usually don't last more than one to three days before they kick the bucket, meaning the odds are in your favor that you won't come across a rabies-crazed maniac raccoon. In fact, there is only one documented case of a human death caused by a raccoon infected with rabies.

VERDICT: A highly unlikely but still justifiable reason to shun raccoons.

5) Some raccoons are aggressive during the mating season and may bite.  I don't see an upside to this.

VERDICT: A good reason to feel alarmed by a raccoon waiting next to you on the train platform.

6) The Aztecs were big fans of both human sacrifice and raccoons.  The Aztecs practiced ridiculous, gratuitous levels of human sacrifice.  They also associated supernatural powers with raccoons. Could there be a connection?

VERDICT: Completely irrational reasoning, but probably still best to avoid raccoons.

Jackoby Bertot, The Seagull Serial Killer

Birds everywhere can sleep better tonight after a terrifying seagull serial killer has been apprehended. The perp, Jackoby Bertot of Labadieville, Louisiana, is facing possible jail time for the brutal murders of forty-nine defenseless seagulls in a suburb of New Orleans. Allegedly, Bertot used his white pickup truck to run over the birds in the parking lots of various businesses; investigators say a surveillance tape from one of the businesses was key in cracking the case. Seagulls, surprising as it may seem, are protected under federal law by the Migratory Bird Act of 1918, which is being used to prosecute Bertot.

The deepest condolences are offered to the home colonies of the birds who have tragically passed away.  However, it must be admitted that gulls, though the victims in this shocking case, have garnered a fair amount of criticism themselves over the years. Some have called them "the rats of the sea" and condemned seagulls for pecking at whales, bugging people at the beach, and being obnoxiously loud. It is currently unknown what may have motivated Jackoby's savage killing spree, but psychologists may speculate whether he was harboring a grudge forged through bad experiences with gulls in the past - perhaps in his formative years.  While we can't put ourselves in the mind of such a ruthless killer, it is possible that a recent Gulf Coast vacation plagued by seagull droppings may have caused him to snap.

Authorities identify man accused of running over, killing 49 seagulls in Elmwood

The much-maligned Pacu Fish and its human-like teeth

Is there anything creepier than a fish with human-looking teeth?  How about a fish with human-like teeth who is also a relative of man-eating piranhas?  If your nightmares have gotten a little stale lately and you're looking for some good fodder, meet the Pacu fish.

This fish could borrow your bottom retainer, and there is something very, very wrong about that. The good news is that pacu fish, unlike their evil piranha cousins, are vegetarians.  They do not have any reason to bite you, and they don't want to eat you.  I promise.  But despite their relative harmlessness, pacu fish have been making a scary splash in the news lately.

The headlines started getting out of control ever since rumors emerged that the fish were known to attack fishermen's testicles in South America.  The Danish government even jumped on the bandwagon and warned male swimmers to keep their swim suits "tightly tied" after a pacu fish was spotted in Scandinavian waters.  This announcement was later disclaimed as being more of a joke than serious advice, but that hasn't stopped the headline millers from having a field day.  And we have no shortage of examples:

Toothy pacu fish caught in Swedish waters; skinny dippers are warned

Never mind the pollocks: Testicle-eating pacu fish found in Paris could be coming to the UK

Now testicle-eating fish related to the piranha is caught in NEW JERSEY lake weeks after it was found in France

Watch Out, New Jersey: The Testicle-Eating Pacu Fish Is Here to Eat Your Balls

Testicle-Biting Fish May Be Invading Denmark

Killer fish with teeth? Danish swimmers escape water fearing killer...

Swedish men warned of crotch-chomping fish

Wait, now I actually feel bad for the pacu fish.  This is a media smear campaign if I've ever seen one.  Fortunately, CNN found a pacu expert who says this is all a misunderstanding and pacu fish are peaceful creatures who just love swimming around and eating the fallen fruits and nuts from riverbank trees.  Hmmm...hold on again.  Pacu love chomping fallen fruits and nuts, both of which are kind of round like a man's balls; I don't think this is going to reassure anyone!

The smear campaign continues.