A Seagull Serial Killer Copycat?

About a year ago, Louisiana's Jackoby Bertot ran afoul of the Migratory Bird Act of 1918 for running over 49 defenseless seagulls with his truck in a shopping center parking lot outside New Orleans.  Now, 17 year old Wesley Franatovich has been arrested for the exact same crime in the exact same parking lot.  The teen killed two birds, which makes him our second seagull serial killer.  Whether he got the idea from reading about Bertot's crimes is unknown.  Most likely, he just couldn't resist the urge to scatter a flock of seagulls. However, his father says his darling son didn't mean to kill any birds while driving through the dense gathering of approximately 500 gulls and wants us to believe that young Wesley is just a bad driver.

This guy's not buying it.

http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2014/08/teen_arrested_accused_of_runni.html

The Mayor of Buford, Wyoming: Population 1

For nearly two decades, Don Sammons was the Mayor and single citizen of the town of Buford, Wyoming: the world's least populous town. His private municipality had its own general store, zip code, and maybe not much else, but it was home.

In 2012, Sammons sold the town to Vietnamese coffee entrepreneur Pham Dinh Nguyen for $900,000 in an internet auction.  Now Nguyen, the new lone resident and Mayor, has enlisted the former Mayor to help him run his Buford-based coffee business and continue influencing the future of the town he cared for for so long.  But perhaps you are wondering if there is a demand in America for Vietnamese coffee?  Don't we have enough java already?  The Vietnamese, in fact, are known for their coffee.  Specifically, they are celebrated for mixing delicious filter coffee with creamy condensed milk.  So Mr. Nguyen might be on to something.  We'll find out.

But this isn't just a story about the coffee business.  It's also a tragic love story.  Don Sammons originally bought the town of Buford in 1980 for his wife.  They arrived in their new domain, 8,000 feet above sea level, in a red convertible.  It was a terrible choice for the climate and prompted snickers from residents of neighboring towns.  But the Los Angeles couple wanted a new life in the country surrounded by rugged nature.  They pursued that dream together in Buford until Don's wife died six years later.  All the years that followed, Sammons never left the town.

So the romantic has been replaced by the entrepreneur.  And sure, Buford may be a little less poignant as a hub for Southeast Asian coffee importing.  But after two decades, we must wish Mr. Sammons the best of luck moving on and out.

One Person Wyoming Town Reopens as Vietnamese Coffee Hub

Rob Ford is back!

We can all sleep a little sounder at night, because Rob Ford has returned!  The prodigal, crack-smoking Mayor of Toronto reemerged a few weeks ago after a stint in a mysterious drug rehab facility in the States, and he's ready to get back to governin' and running his reelection campaign.  Of course, the rehab facility in question may or may not exist.  If you remember the Mayor's departure, he described his destination as a clinic in the Chicago area that many pundits noted bore no resemblance to any drug rehabilitation center in existence in that area.  There was also suspicion that he never crossed the Canadian border.  Add to that the fact that Mayor Ford specifically made a point to not promise that he won't relapse, and there are a lot of questions regarding whether The Mayor has really given up his habits of copious boozing and then, in his words, "trying every drug in existence."  In unrelated news, he told a reporter yesterday,  "I have never quit anything in my life."

The "Bread & Briefs" Thief

I feel a little guilty posting about the man in New York who went out for the day wearing only his underwear, stole a bread truck, and started making deliveries.  He sounds less wackadoodle than certifiably crazy, and I really don't want to make fun of a sick man. But I have overruled my conscience, because what this bandit did was sort of poignant.

The 30 year old, scantily clad Long Island man in question stole a bakery delivery truck filled with approximately $8,000 of fancy bread and started making the deliveries based on the route posted inside the truck.  After a few drop-offs, he went rogue and started throwing the bread out the window like a paper boy. Once he ran out of projectile baguettes, he began tailgating and harassing a limo driver, seemingly for no reason, which led to his eventual apprehension and arrest.

I love the accelerated rate of transformations this failed criminal experienced. He started out wanting to be a car thief, but somehow, was seduced by the prospect of a straight life as a bakery deliveryman. For a while, he tried to fulfill this fantasy of a stable, scheduled existence, trudging along, visiting his regular customers, offering a friendly wave - albeit in his underwear. But the monotony got to him, and in minutes he flashed forward to a midlife crisis-style nervous breakdown. Then he went into class warfare mode and started harassing a limousine. But this ultimately did nothing to irritate the fat cats.  The limo was empty, and he only ended up harassing the chauffeur and making life harder for a fellow working man.

A failure on all fronts.

http://gothamist.com/2014/05/21/man_steals_upper_east_side_bread_tr.php#.

Rob Ford Vanishes!

For those of you keeping up with your Rob Ford news, everyone's favorite crack-smoking alcoholic who is also in charge of a major Canadian metropolis has gone missing. Sound the Amber Ale alert!

Toronto's notorious but strangely lovable Mayor suffered further embarrassment recently when yet another video surfaced of the eccentric politician smoking crack cocaine. If this footage keeps popping up at this rate, there will be enough material for a "Rob Ford Smokes Crack" boxset to bring to the White Elephant party next Christmas. But in the meantime, the Mayor must be found!

Ford's recent disappearance from City Hall has all the villagers guessing where he could be hiding. His fiercely loyal brother claims the Mayor has entered an alcohol rehab program in Chicago; the only catch is that there is no alcohol treatment facility fitting his description in Chicago.  Border agents for the U.S. say there is suggestive evidence that the Mayor never even crossed the border.  So where is Mayor Ford?  Surely, all the crackhouses in Canada have already been checked. Is he holed up in a basement somewhere? Running around Toronto in a clever disguise? Let's get looking.

Carrie "Hatchet" Nation

I was watching the Ken Burns documentary on prohibition recently and saw a profile of Carrie Nation, a wild woman who used to smash up saloons with a hatchet. Carrie Hatchet, as she came to be known, was a temperance advocate who had lost a husband to alcoholism and a few years later heard a voice from God urging her to wreak havoc on poison peddlers.  I couldn't believe I had  never heard of her before; this woman was a grade A wackadoodle!

At the time, women were not even served in bars and saloons.  (Ironically, bars did not become co-ed in the United States until the speakeasy era during Prohibition.)  The six-foot tall Nation traveled around the country, starting in Kansas, astonishing bartenders and their patrons by entering and proceeding to smash up the bar and liquor bottles with her signature hatchet until the police arrived to arrest her.  Needless to say, she racketed up an extensive arrest record over the years. She also became quite a famous woman, supporting herself in her later years by selling tiny souvenir hatchets and making celebrity appearances at vaudeville houses and lecture halls.

Time travelers from the turn of the century would be astonished to learn that most people today have never even heard of the notorious Carrie Hatchet.  I am a bit astonished myself that Nation's fame has not persisted; she is one of our more interesting historical figures! Hopefully, we can do a small part to keep her crazy memory alive.

The Zulu Witch Doctor Weatherman

Despite the freezing rain in the forecast for Mardi Gras Day in New Orleans, the beautifully-plumed Zulu Witch Doctor came on the news to predict there would be sunshine by noon.  It didn't exactly work out like that, but the Doctor's confident delivery still convinced a lot of people to brave the elements and head out to the parades.

Check out the video here:

http://www.wdsu.com/news/entertainment/carnival-central-extended-coverage/despite-zulu-witch-doctor-prayers-rain-expected-for-mardi-gras/24791250#mid=18534990

The First United Naked Church of Virginia

In nudist news, a Christian church outside of Richmond, Virginia, has been successfully holding all their services in the buff.  The members of the congregation and their Pastor Allen Parker say the nakedness is symbolic of the equality among all people before God and is not at all sexy.  Pastor Parker went on to say that the whole point is "baring his soul to Christ, " and no, he did not start giggling when he said this.  I've seen a documentary on nudist colonies, and I have to say I fully believe him regarding the unsexiness factor; nudism doesn't seem to be a magnet for the most attractive members of the population. And while I agree that clothes can really differentiate members of a community and identify disparities in economic and social status, there is already a solution for this - uniforms.  These people just need to send an order off for some matching robes or jumpsuits or whatever they wear in North Korea.

My favorite part of this church is that many members still come to the services naked in the winter - when the temperature regularly dips into the 20s and they're freezing and shivering.  Now that is dedication!  Church ladies everywhere need to step up their game.

[PHOTO CENSORED!]

Central VA Congregation worships nude

Joel Rakower, the New Yorker who smuggled 40,000 man-eating piranhas into the U.S.

Uh oh...what was this guy thinking?  The last thing America needs right now is the illegal immigration of 40,000 homicidal fish. The pacu fish scare may have turned out to be (mainly) a hoax, but piranhas are the real deal! This is the fish you order for the mote in your supervillain-style lair.

Joel Rakower, the New York City piranha smuggler in question, may or may not be a henchman for some Dr. Evil wannabe. His evil plot was actually very simple; he smuggled the piranhas into the country from a supplier in Hong Kong labeled as a harmless aquarium fish.  Now he's agreed to pay $70,000 in fines, and "his company" is on probation. But somehow, I don't think this is going to be the last we hear of Mr. Rakower. A slap on the wrist is not going to phase Joel - the guy works with sinister piranhas who've just come off a long-haul flight!

It's safe to say we've found one American who is clearly not afraid of piranhas. Interestingly, the rest of us in the U.S.A. have former President Teddy Roosevelt to thank for our healthy fear of the flesh-shredding swimmers. In 1914, Roosevelt published an account of his adventures in the Brazilian rainforest and described piranhas as "the most ferocious fish in the world," who will, "snap a finger off a hand incautiously trailed in the water," and will "devour alive any wounded man or beast." He went on to depict their razor-sharp teeth, their "malignant eyes," their "evil ferocity," their "savage fury," and just to make sure everyone was thoroughly terrified, their "extraordinary squealing sound."

Apparently, Joel did not get the memo.

The embodiment of all evil


New York man pleads guilty to smuggling nearly 40,000 piranhas into the U.S.

Neak Ta, the Cambodian spirits causing mass factory faintings

A New York Times op-ed last week introduced the rest of us to the neak ta, Cambodian spirits who cause mass faintings of garment factory workers when they're not respected. That respect often involves a sacrificial chicken.  Interestingly, the neak ta have also been possessing the bodies of female workers and winning them better wages, succeeding where organizing efforts have failed.  Cambodian factory owners are apparently much more open to placating a deity than negotiating with a union.

The neak ta are guardian spirits that predate Buddhism and are believed to keep watch over a specific piece of land.  Often, their ire is inadvertently raised by hasty factory construction practices, for example, cutting down a banyan tree where a spirit has lived for thousands of years.  When the spirit is insulted, he gets his revenge on the owners by causing the factory's predominantly female work staff to pass out en masse and shut down production.  After that happens, most of the managers seem to take the neak ta more seriously.  Typically, the spirit communicates his demands to management by entering the body of one of the workers.  Popular demands from the supernatural beings include food, cigarettes, and better working conditions for the women.

A banyan tree, possibly inhabited by neak ta

Kayla Shavers: Unfit Mother...or Hogzilla Hunter?

The great wild hog menace sweeping across America is well-documented by now.  So can we blame Florida's Kayla Marie Shavers for leaving her nine-year-old and eight-month-old children in the car to go hunt possible candidates for Hogzilla III?  True to form, the hogs had been ransacking her property, and Kayla was fed up. It was just under 40 degrees outside, and Shavers's older child, who didn't appreciate being left in the cold car, called the police in to rescue him.  The hog-hunting mom was arrested for child neglect, and presumably, the menacing feral pigs escaped once again.

Kayla Shavers dispute the charges and claims she left the little complainer the keys to start the car if he needed to warm up.  But is the issue really whether this kid should be a little bit tougher, or is the issue that she left a nine-year-old in charge of a baby and a car? Clearly, Shavers thinks this is the kind of thing you have to do to nab a wild boar.

Florida Woman Left Young Kids in Car to Go Hog Hunting: Deputies

The Litigious Portlandia Pimp

Sirgiorgio Clardy, a pimp from Portland, Oregon, is suing the Nike tennis shoe company for failing to warn him that it might be dangerous to savagely beat customers and employees with their shoes. The short-tempered pimp is seeking $100 million dollars in damages, $1 million dollars for each of the 100 years he has been sentenced to prison for a vicious attack on a tight-fisted john and one of his prostitutes.  The crux of his whimsical legal argument is that Sirgiorgio (almost certain to be a made-up name) received a heftier punishment because the court in Oregon classified his Nike shoe as a "dangerous weapon."  Clardy claims Nike should have put a warning on or inside the sneakers alerting the wearer that the shoe could inflict serious bodily harm if employed in a homicidal frenzy. Sir Giorgio, excuse me, Sirgiorgio, is not just a violent maniac. He is a violent maniac with a very active imagination.

Warning: Not suitable for a mild beat-down


Pimp sues Nike for not warning shoes could be dangerous if used to beat people

La Befana, domestic goddess

Tonight is a special night in Italy, because La Befana is coming!  La Befana is an old woman who flies around on a broomstick with a big bag of candy visiting all the children's houses to fill their stockings.  You know the drill.  The children leave out a little wine and food to welcome (bribe) La Befana.  If the children have been good, they will get some treats.  If they've been bad, they will get a lump of coal.  La Befana loves to clean, so she might even sweep your house a bit when she comes!  Yea, she's a little OCD.

For anyone keeping track, the arrival of La Befana coincides with the Christian Feast of the Epiphany, also known as the twelfth day of Christmas, which marks the end of the period known as Christmastide or Yuletide.  This means Christmas is officially over, so you can take down your decorations.  Maybe La Befana will tidy up for you.

Krampus, by far the scariest character of the Christmas season

If you were worried about The Yule Lads running off with your sausages and candles or Perchta filling your belly with straw and pebbles, get ready for Krampus, the German Christmas demon. Those other Christmas ne'er-do-wells might give you a present if you've been good, but Krampus strictly punishes bad children. He might capture them in a sack and drag them off to his evil lair.  He might beat them senseless with birch branches. If they're lucky, he'll just frighten them out of their wits with rusty chains and bells. Krampus is simply an evil Christmas character that exists to strike fear into the hearts of kinder everywhere.

Popular in Austria and surrounding regions, Krampus has cloven hooves, the horns of a goat, and a crazy red tongue. The name "Krampus" comes from the Old High German for "claw." The Krampus legend originated in pre-Christian Germanic folklore and never mellowed over the years the way other Christmas characters like The Yule Lads did. In the nineteenth century, Krampus was often depicted working hand in hand with Santa Claus - Santa concerned himself with the good children, and Krampus took care of the bad ones. These days, drunken young men in places like Austria and southern Germany are encouraged to dress up in hideous Krampus masks and costumes during the Christmas season and roam around town traumatizing the children.  This is called a Krampuslauf and traditionally takes place on December 5th, something to keep in mind if you're planning a family holiday trip to Austria!

A sight a young child isn't likely to forget

Perchta, the Christmas visitor who will fill your insides with straw

Instead of commenting on Dennis Rodman's umpteenth trip to North Korea or the Duck Dynasty "just in time for Christmas" controversy, I thought we could take a look at some more European Christmas folklore.  And Perchta, today's entry, is decidedly crazier than Phil Robertson. Called Bertha in English, she's a supernatural being of German pre-Christian origin who arrives during the twelve days of Christmas. Like Santa Claus, Perchta might leave you a little present if you've been good.  If you've been slacking, however, this winter deity will slit your belly open and fill your insides with straw and pebbles.

The threat of being filled with straw was traditionally levied at children and servants, two groups in the household that parents wanted to focus on their work during the autumn. In particular, Perchta targets those who have not spun their quota of cloth for the winter. Interestingly, there seems to be a lot of Christmas folklore centered around getting your spinning done. I hope you have finished your allotment of wool by now.  If not, get ready to either be eaten by the Icelandic Christmas cat or have your belly slit open and filled with straw by Perchta. Merry Christmas!

Straw waiting to be packed inside your belly

The Yule Lads, Iceland's 13 Bad Santas

Today, December 12th, is a very special day for children in Iceland. It marks the arrival of Stekkjarstaur, the first of "The Yule Lads," Iceland's 13 mischievous, misbehaving Santa Clauses. One Yule Lad arrives each night from now until "Yule," aka Christmas Day. According to tradition, The Yule Lads are the unruly sons of the mountain-dwelling troll Grýla and her henpecked elf husband Leppalúði. They're a far cry from jolly old St. Nick, but a lot more fun. For example, Stekkjarstaur, whose English name is Sheep-Cote Clod, loves to irritate sheep but has trouble because of his awkward peg legs. He is often depicted attempting to mount a sheep, which I suspect is a tongue-in-cheek joke for the adults! He is a particularly fitting first arrival in Iceland where sheep outnumber people.

The story of The Yule Lads was originally developed to scare children into behaving. The 13 ne'er-do-wells are always looking for something to steal and even have an evil cat named Jólaköttur, who eats children who don't receive new clothes for Christmas. Tonight's visitor Sheep-Cote Clod will be followed tomorrow by Gully Gawk, who steals cow's milk, Stubby, a very short Lad who steals pans to eat the crust, then Spoon Licker, Pot Scraper, Bowl Licker, Door Slammer, Skyr Gobbler (Skyr being a very tasty Icelandic version of yogurt), Sausage Swiper, Window Peeper, Doorway Sniffer, who is trying to find laufabraud, a special fried holiday bread, to steal, and finally Meat Hook and Candle Stealer, who traditionally thieves tallow candles made of lard and eats them.

Every night, the wee ones will put out a shoe in their windowsill and hope that they have been good and will receive a present in the morning. If they've been bad, they will probably wake up to find a potato. Children are encouraged to place an appropriate bribe in the shoe for each Yule Lad to have a better chance, and there are plenty of publications suggesting the best treat for each one, such as a carrot or some cookies. Candle Stealer, naturally, responds best to a delicious candle.

Window Peeper, the voyeuristic Yule Lad

Sausage Swiper

Skyr Gobbler and Window Peeper depicted on Icelandic milk carton

Captain John Smith, Professional Jailbird

Although he's famous for announcing that "he who did not work would not eat," John Smith was actually a bit of a wild man.   You probably remember Smith as the guy who was rescued by Pocahontas, but Captain Smith was so much more than that.  In honor of Thanksgiving, let's take a closer look at one of America's first colonists.

In addition to leading the English settlement of Jamestown and all the Pocahontas business, Smith was also a soldier-for-hire, pressed into slavery for the Turks, and repeatedly arrested by the other colonists.  When Thanksgiving came around, Smith was just happy to be alive and out of the slammer.

Here's a rundown of the many times and places Captain Smith was taken into custody:

The Turkish Campaign - around the ripe old age of 20, Smith was captured in the "Long War" and sent to Constantinople as a slave. (1) His mistress allegedly fell in love with Smith and sent him to her brother's house  (2) hoping conditions would be better for him.  Apparently, they were not.  John eventually killed the brother and made his escape.

1606 - Smith decided to try his hand at exploring.  On the ship heading over to what would become the United States, he was accused of mutiny, almost hanged, and placed into custody. (3) He spent his first few weeks at the colony of Jamestown in a makeshift jail. (4)

1607 - One of Smith's first actions once released was to help overthrow the current leadership of Jamestown.  Hmm, he was a little mutinous.

The Pocahontas Incident - While exploring the Chickahominy River, Smith ran into a band of Native Americans from the Powhatan Confederacy, and you guessed it, was captured again. (5) Allegedly, the twelve-year-old Pocahontas saved his life, and he subsequently enjoyed good relations with Chief Powhatan and the tribe.

The Chickahominy expedition was a disaster, though, and the colonists put Smith in jail for a little while for botching it. (6)  Smith may have been getting a little fed up with being arrested.

In the years following, Captain Smith started taking his revenge.  He gained control of the colony, instituted strict rules, including the "work to eat" maxim, and started attacking the natives, burning villages, and impressing some into forced labor.

Then in 1609, Smith was injured during in-fighting among the colonists and sent back to England to face charges.  There is no record of what happened, but I bet he was taken into custody yet again. (7?)

In 1614, he made one more trip to The New World, where he visited Maine and Massachusetts Bay and named the area New England.  He wanted to make further trips, but everyone thought he was too much of a  maverick - or just didn't like him.  It seems his reputation had preceded him, and nobody wanted to travel with Captain Smith.  He spent the rest of his life writing books and staying out of trouble.

John Smith: adventurer, explorer and loose cannon

Rob Ford Update - Part 2

Everyone's favorite crack-smoking Canadian politician continues to amaze. In recent days, Mayor Ford has shocked reporters with his vulgar language at a press conference and knocked down an elderly councilwoman during a meeting in City Hall.  To be fair, he did pick the woman back up after he accidentally bowled her over!  Meanwhile, the Toronto City Council continues its efforts to strip Rob Ford of his powers, which Mayor Ford describes as a "coup d'état."  

Rob Ford Update!

Toronto's favorite crack-addled mayor still refuses to step down.  At a recent city council meeting, Mayor Ford resisted the factions forcefully pressing for his resignation and countered by introducing a motion to drug test the entire city council!  Ford said he knows other council members are also drug users, and that while he "isn't a rat" and won't start naming names, he also won't stand for this hypocrisy.  So people of Toronto, don't worry that your mayor smokes a few rocks.  His replacement most likely would do the same! And since Ford's motion to drug test the council didn't pass, we can't even determine which members are clean.

Meet The 'Flume Dog'

I enjoy a log ride as much as the next person, but Jay Marc Harris, a.k.a.'Flume Dog,' really, really loves a log ride. From 1985 to 2006, Jay made an annual pilgrimage from his home in Connecticut to ride the log flumes at all the Six Flags theme parks around the country. This ritual came to an abrupt end when the self-styled 'Flume Dog' a.k.a 'Flumie' a.k.a 'The Great Flume' was banned for life from all Six Flags parks for repeatedly asking mothers if he could borrow their sons to accompany him in the log. Now, The Great Flume is suing Six Flags to try to regain access to his beloved log rides.

Flume Dog says he is just a misunderstood log ride fanatic. Because he is a Hasidic Jew and former rabbi, Harris says he can only ride theme park rides with another male and maintains he had no intention to abduct children or harm them in any way. As strange as this sounds, it is at least a plausible argument. The log flume ride seats two people, and single riders are routinely paired up by park staff with whoever is available. Flumie could easily be placed in a boat with a female rider, which would violate his religious beliefs. Unfortunately, this theory does not explain why Harris asked at least one mother if she could take pictures of him enjoying the ride with her son!

Another factor working against Flume Dog is the documentation of multiple instances when he illegally camped out in a Six Flags theme park without permission. In one incident in Atlanta, park employees found him chained to a tree along with his belongings. We'll have to follow Flumie's upcoming trial to see how stories like that might play to a jury.

The log ride in simpler days


San Antonio Express-News: In Court, 'Flume Dog' may have his day