The "Bread & Briefs" Thief

I feel a little guilty posting about the man in New York who went out for the day wearing only his underwear, stole a bread truck, and started making deliveries.  He sounds less wackadoodle than certifiably crazy, and I really don't want to make fun of a sick man. But I have overruled my conscience, because what this bandit did was sort of poignant.

The 30 year old, scantily clad Long Island man in question stole a bakery delivery truck filled with approximately $8,000 of fancy bread and started making the deliveries based on the route posted inside the truck.  After a few drop-offs, he went rogue and started throwing the bread out the window like a paper boy. Once he ran out of projectile baguettes, he began tailgating and harassing a limo driver, seemingly for no reason, which led to his eventual apprehension and arrest.

I love the accelerated rate of transformations this failed criminal experienced. He started out wanting to be a car thief, but somehow, was seduced by the prospect of a straight life as a bakery deliveryman. For a while, he tried to fulfill this fantasy of a stable, scheduled existence, trudging along, visiting his regular customers, offering a friendly wave - albeit in his underwear. But the monotony got to him, and in minutes he flashed forward to a midlife crisis-style nervous breakdown. Then he went into class warfare mode and started harassing a limousine. But this ultimately did nothing to irritate the fat cats.  The limo was empty, and he only ended up harassing the chauffeur and making life harder for a fellow working man.

A failure on all fronts.

http://gothamist.com/2014/05/21/man_steals_upper_east_side_bread_tr.php#.

Rob Ford Vanishes!

For those of you keeping up with your Rob Ford news, everyone's favorite crack-smoking alcoholic who is also in charge of a major Canadian metropolis has gone missing. Sound the Amber Ale alert!

Toronto's notorious but strangely lovable Mayor suffered further embarrassment recently when yet another video surfaced of the eccentric politician smoking crack cocaine. If this footage keeps popping up at this rate, there will be enough material for a "Rob Ford Smokes Crack" boxset to bring to the White Elephant party next Christmas. But in the meantime, the Mayor must be found!

Ford's recent disappearance from City Hall has all the villagers guessing where he could be hiding. His fiercely loyal brother claims the Mayor has entered an alcohol rehab program in Chicago; the only catch is that there is no alcohol treatment facility fitting his description in Chicago.  Border agents for the U.S. say there is suggestive evidence that the Mayor never even crossed the border.  So where is Mayor Ford?  Surely, all the crackhouses in Canada have already been checked. Is he holed up in a basement somewhere? Running around Toronto in a clever disguise? Let's get looking.

The Valais Blacknose Sheep

This type of sheep looks like a cross between a child's stuffed animal and a cartoon drawing of a sheep.  The audaciously cute (though fake-looking) creature dwells in the Valais region of Switzerland, hence the name.  Fun fact: Valais is famous as the home of the Matterhorn, one of the highest peaks in The Alps and the inspiration for a pretty fun ride at Disneyland. But back to the animals...

Let's take a look at some typical sheep:

Pretty basic.  Now, brace yourself for the Valais Blacknose Sheep:

Woah!  What an improvement!

I wish all sheep looked like this.

Carrie "Hatchet" Nation

I was watching the Ken Burns documentary on prohibition recently and saw a profile of Carrie Nation, a wild woman who used to smash up saloons with a hatchet. Carrie Hatchet, as she came to be known, was a temperance advocate who had lost a husband to alcoholism and a few years later heard a voice from God urging her to wreak havoc on poison peddlers.  I couldn't believe I had  never heard of her before; this woman was a grade A wackadoodle!

At the time, women were not even served in bars and saloons.  (Ironically, bars did not become co-ed in the United States until the speakeasy era during Prohibition.)  The six-foot tall Nation traveled around the country, starting in Kansas, astonishing bartenders and their patrons by entering and proceeding to smash up the bar and liquor bottles with her signature hatchet until the police arrived to arrest her.  Needless to say, she racketed up an extensive arrest record over the years. She also became quite a famous woman, supporting herself in her later years by selling tiny souvenir hatchets and making celebrity appearances at vaudeville houses and lecture halls.

Time travelers from the turn of the century would be astonished to learn that most people today have never even heard of the notorious Carrie Hatchet.  I am a bit astonished myself that Nation's fame has not persisted; she is one of our more interesting historical figures! Hopefully, we can do a small part to keep her crazy memory alive.

The Tapir, a truly strange looking, but also surprisingly cute animal

The Tapir is one of those animals you may not have ever heard of.  It's sort of like a cross between a pig and an anteater...and let's face it - the taper is basically ugly.  Sorry, tapir.

But there's more to tapirs than meets the eye.  For example, male tapirs have exceptionally large penises. Also, their nostrils look like side by side vacuum hoses.  Interestingly, they are a relative of rhinoceroses and horses. Tapirs can live in dry climates, but when they live near water, they spend a lot of time swimming.  When they swim, they use their funny noses as snorkels.  Wait a minute...getting cuter?

There are a lot of different types of tapirs, but the cool thing is they all look the same as babies, which is like this:

No matter what color or type or region of the world the tapir is from, the baby sports this adorable stripes and spots pattern. The purpose of the pattern is probably some helpful camouflage to make the babies less vulnerable to predators. Whatever the reason, if you google photos of baby tapirs, don't blame me if this dark horse-rhino-pig becomes your new favorite animal.

The Zulu Witch Doctor Weatherman

Despite the freezing rain in the forecast for Mardi Gras Day in New Orleans, the beautifully-plumed Zulu Witch Doctor came on the news to predict there would be sunshine by noon.  It didn't exactly work out like that, but the Doctor's confident delivery still convinced a lot of people to brave the elements and head out to the parades.

Check out the video here:

http://www.wdsu.com/news/entertainment/carnival-central-extended-coverage/despite-zulu-witch-doctor-prayers-rain-expected-for-mardi-gras/24791250#mid=18534990

Pierre the Pelican after Plastic Surgery

Do you remember how Pierre the Pelican, the New Orleans Pelicans NBA team's new mascot, was terrifying everyone on the internet?  The newly minted bird monster was parodied in just about every creative way possible.  He was photoshopped into Edvard Munch's The Scream, stills of Carrie, The Shining,and just about every other horror movie ever made, and on and on.  Well apparently, Pierre let all the criticism get to him and negatively affect his self-esteem, because he's just undergone massive plastic surgery. Pierre revealed his "new face" at the 2014 NBA All-Star game. His doctored beak now looks closer to a real pelican than an evil clown, though he still isn't what we could really call attractive. But with plastic surgery, where does it end?

Let's do the comparison:

A real pelican

Scary Pierre the Pelican BEFORE

Pierre the Pelican POST-OP

The First United Naked Church of Virginia

In nudist news, a Christian church outside of Richmond, Virginia, has been successfully holding all their services in the buff.  The members of the congregation and their Pastor Allen Parker say the nakedness is symbolic of the equality among all people before God and is not at all sexy.  Pastor Parker went on to say that the whole point is "baring his soul to Christ, " and no, he did not start giggling when he said this.  I've seen a documentary on nudist colonies, and I have to say I fully believe him regarding the unsexiness factor; nudism doesn't seem to be a magnet for the most attractive members of the population. And while I agree that clothes can really differentiate members of a community and identify disparities in economic and social status, there is already a solution for this - uniforms.  These people just need to send an order off for some matching robes or jumpsuits or whatever they wear in North Korea.

My favorite part of this church is that many members still come to the services naked in the winter - when the temperature regularly dips into the 20s and they're freezing and shivering.  Now that is dedication!  Church ladies everywhere need to step up their game.

[PHOTO CENSORED!]

Central VA Congregation worships nude

Joel Rakower, the New Yorker who smuggled 40,000 man-eating piranhas into the U.S.

Uh oh...what was this guy thinking?  The last thing America needs right now is the illegal immigration of 40,000 homicidal fish. The pacu fish scare may have turned out to be (mainly) a hoax, but piranhas are the real deal! This is the fish you order for the mote in your supervillain-style lair.

Joel Rakower, the New York City piranha smuggler in question, may or may not be a henchman for some Dr. Evil wannabe. His evil plot was actually very simple; he smuggled the piranhas into the country from a supplier in Hong Kong labeled as a harmless aquarium fish.  Now he's agreed to pay $70,000 in fines, and "his company" is on probation. But somehow, I don't think this is going to be the last we hear of Mr. Rakower. A slap on the wrist is not going to phase Joel - the guy works with sinister piranhas who've just come off a long-haul flight!

It's safe to say we've found one American who is clearly not afraid of piranhas. Interestingly, the rest of us in the U.S.A. have former President Teddy Roosevelt to thank for our healthy fear of the flesh-shredding swimmers. In 1914, Roosevelt published an account of his adventures in the Brazilian rainforest and described piranhas as "the most ferocious fish in the world," who will, "snap a finger off a hand incautiously trailed in the water," and will "devour alive any wounded man or beast." He went on to depict their razor-sharp teeth, their "malignant eyes," their "evil ferocity," their "savage fury," and just to make sure everyone was thoroughly terrified, their "extraordinary squealing sound."

Apparently, Joel did not get the memo.

The embodiment of all evil


New York man pleads guilty to smuggling nearly 40,000 piranhas into the U.S.

Neak Ta, the Cambodian spirits causing mass factory faintings

A New York Times op-ed last week introduced the rest of us to the neak ta, Cambodian spirits who cause mass faintings of garment factory workers when they're not respected. That respect often involves a sacrificial chicken.  Interestingly, the neak ta have also been possessing the bodies of female workers and winning them better wages, succeeding where organizing efforts have failed.  Cambodian factory owners are apparently much more open to placating a deity than negotiating with a union.

The neak ta are guardian spirits that predate Buddhism and are believed to keep watch over a specific piece of land.  Often, their ire is inadvertently raised by hasty factory construction practices, for example, cutting down a banyan tree where a spirit has lived for thousands of years.  When the spirit is insulted, he gets his revenge on the owners by causing the factory's predominantly female work staff to pass out en masse and shut down production.  After that happens, most of the managers seem to take the neak ta more seriously.  Typically, the spirit communicates his demands to management by entering the body of one of the workers.  Popular demands from the supernatural beings include food, cigarettes, and better working conditions for the women.

A banyan tree, possibly inhabited by neak ta