Krampus, by far the scariest character of the Christmas season

If you were worried about The Yule Lads running off with your sausages and candles or Perchta filling your belly with straw and pebbles, get ready for Krampus, the German Christmas demon. Those other Christmas ne'er-do-wells might give you a present if you've been good, but Krampus strictly punishes bad children. He might capture them in a sack and drag them off to his evil lair.  He might beat them senseless with birch branches. If they're lucky, he'll just frighten them out of their wits with rusty chains and bells. Krampus is simply an evil Christmas character that exists to strike fear into the hearts of kinder everywhere.

Popular in Austria and surrounding regions, Krampus has cloven hooves, the horns of a goat, and a crazy red tongue. The name "Krampus" comes from the Old High German for "claw." The Krampus legend originated in pre-Christian Germanic folklore and never mellowed over the years the way other Christmas characters like The Yule Lads did. In the nineteenth century, Krampus was often depicted working hand in hand with Santa Claus - Santa concerned himself with the good children, and Krampus took care of the bad ones. These days, drunken young men in places like Austria and southern Germany are encouraged to dress up in hideous Krampus masks and costumes during the Christmas season and roam around town traumatizing the children.  This is called a Krampuslauf and traditionally takes place on December 5th, something to keep in mind if you're planning a family holiday trip to Austria!

A sight a young child isn't likely to forget

Perchta, the Christmas visitor who will fill your insides with straw

Instead of commenting on Dennis Rodman's umpteenth trip to North Korea or the Duck Dynasty "just in time for Christmas" controversy, I thought we could take a look at some more European Christmas folklore.  And Perchta, today's entry, is decidedly crazier than Phil Robertson. Called Bertha in English, she's a supernatural being of German pre-Christian origin who arrives during the twelve days of Christmas. Like Santa Claus, Perchta might leave you a little present if you've been good.  If you've been slacking, however, this winter deity will slit your belly open and fill your insides with straw and pebbles.

The threat of being filled with straw was traditionally levied at children and servants, two groups in the household that parents wanted to focus on their work during the autumn. In particular, Perchta targets those who have not spun their quota of cloth for the winter. Interestingly, there seems to be a lot of Christmas folklore centered around getting your spinning done. I hope you have finished your allotment of wool by now.  If not, get ready to either be eaten by the Icelandic Christmas cat or have your belly slit open and filled with straw by Perchta. Merry Christmas!

Straw waiting to be packed inside your belly

The Yule Lads, Iceland's 13 Bad Santas

Today, December 12th, is a very special day for children in Iceland. It marks the arrival of Stekkjarstaur, the first of "The Yule Lads," Iceland's 13 mischievous, misbehaving Santa Clauses. One Yule Lad arrives each night from now until "Yule," aka Christmas Day. According to tradition, The Yule Lads are the unruly sons of the mountain-dwelling troll Grýla and her henpecked elf husband Leppalúði. They're a far cry from jolly old St. Nick, but a lot more fun. For example, Stekkjarstaur, whose English name is Sheep-Cote Clod, loves to irritate sheep but has trouble because of his awkward peg legs. He is often depicted attempting to mount a sheep, which I suspect is a tongue-in-cheek joke for the adults! He is a particularly fitting first arrival in Iceland where sheep outnumber people.

The story of The Yule Lads was originally developed to scare children into behaving. The 13 ne'er-do-wells are always looking for something to steal and even have an evil cat named Jólaköttur, who eats children who don't receive new clothes for Christmas. Tonight's visitor Sheep-Cote Clod will be followed tomorrow by Gully Gawk, who steals cow's milk, Stubby, a very short Lad who steals pans to eat the crust, then Spoon Licker, Pot Scraper, Bowl Licker, Door Slammer, Skyr Gobbler (Skyr being a very tasty Icelandic version of yogurt), Sausage Swiper, Window Peeper, Doorway Sniffer, who is trying to find laufabraud, a special fried holiday bread, to steal, and finally Meat Hook and Candle Stealer, who traditionally thieves tallow candles made of lard and eats them.

Every night, the wee ones will put out a shoe in their windowsill and hope that they have been good and will receive a present in the morning. If they've been bad, they will probably wake up to find a potato. Children are encouraged to place an appropriate bribe in the shoe for each Yule Lad to have a better chance, and there are plenty of publications suggesting the best treat for each one, such as a carrot or some cookies. Candle Stealer, naturally, responds best to a delicious candle.

Window Peeper, the voyeuristic Yule Lad

Sausage Swiper

Skyr Gobbler and Window Peeper depicted on Icelandic milk carton

Captain John Smith, Professional Jailbird

Although he's famous for announcing that "he who did not work would not eat," John Smith was actually a bit of a wild man.   You probably remember Smith as the guy who was rescued by Pocahontas, but Captain Smith was so much more than that.  In honor of Thanksgiving, let's take a closer look at one of America's first colonists.

In addition to leading the English settlement of Jamestown and all the Pocahontas business, Smith was also a soldier-for-hire, pressed into slavery for the Turks, and repeatedly arrested by the other colonists.  When Thanksgiving came around, Smith was just happy to be alive and out of the slammer.

Here's a rundown of the many times and places Captain Smith was taken into custody:

The Turkish Campaign - around the ripe old age of 20, Smith was captured in the "Long War" and sent to Constantinople as a slave. (1) His mistress allegedly fell in love with Smith and sent him to her brother's house  (2) hoping conditions would be better for him.  Apparently, they were not.  John eventually killed the brother and made his escape.

1606 - Smith decided to try his hand at exploring.  On the ship heading over to what would become the United States, he was accused of mutiny, almost hanged, and placed into custody. (3) He spent his first few weeks at the colony of Jamestown in a makeshift jail. (4)

1607 - One of Smith's first actions once released was to help overthrow the current leadership of Jamestown.  Hmm, he was a little mutinous.

The Pocahontas Incident - While exploring the Chickahominy River, Smith ran into a band of Native Americans from the Powhatan Confederacy, and you guessed it, was captured again. (5) Allegedly, the twelve-year-old Pocahontas saved his life, and he subsequently enjoyed good relations with Chief Powhatan and the tribe.

The Chickahominy expedition was a disaster, though, and the colonists put Smith in jail for a little while for botching it. (6)  Smith may have been getting a little fed up with being arrested.

In the years following, Captain Smith started taking his revenge.  He gained control of the colony, instituted strict rules, including the "work to eat" maxim, and started attacking the natives, burning villages, and impressing some into forced labor.

Then in 1609, Smith was injured during in-fighting among the colonists and sent back to England to face charges.  There is no record of what happened, but I bet he was taken into custody yet again. (7?)

In 1614, he made one more trip to The New World, where he visited Maine and Massachusetts Bay and named the area New England.  He wanted to make further trips, but everyone thought he was too much of a  maverick - or just didn't like him.  It seems his reputation had preceded him, and nobody wanted to travel with Captain Smith.  He spent the rest of his life writing books and staying out of trouble.

John Smith: adventurer, explorer and loose cannon

Today's Wackadoodle - The Anteater

The Giant Anteater never gets a chance to enjoy a meal.  Nearly blind and armed only by his long, sticky tongue, he has to vigorously lick up his food - ants and termites - as fast as possible before the insects have a chance to bite him.  As if that wasn't enough pressure, the anteater must find and consume up to 35,000 ants and termites each day to survive.

Anteaters are currently found only in South and Central America.  However, people living in areas with ant or termite problems might wonder if they can't employ a few anteaters to feast on the troublesome critters in their town.  This sounds logical, but the problem is that the anteater only eats a percentage of the ants from each mound he finds.  He never destroys the ant beds themselves, preferring to leave them intact for a later meal.

So you probably won't see an anteater cleaning up your local baseball diamond any time soon.  But in the meantime, here are a few fun facts about this funny-looking animal:

1) The anteater's closest relative is the sloth - ironic since anteaters are so busy.

2) Peter the Anteater is the mascot of the University of California, Irvine, but anteaters are not native to California.

3) Baby anteaters ride piggyback on top of their mothers for 9 to 10 months until they become independent.

4) Anteaters walk on their knuckles (as if they didn't have enough problems).

5) Male anteaters have hidden penises between their bladders and rectums, while female anteaters store their mammary glands in their armpits.  Weird!

Rob Ford Update - Part 2

Everyone's favorite crack-smoking Canadian politician continues to amaze. In recent days, Mayor Ford has shocked reporters with his vulgar language at a press conference and knocked down an elderly councilwoman during a meeting in City Hall.  To be fair, he did pick the woman back up after he accidentally bowled her over!  Meanwhile, the Toronto City Council continues its efforts to strip Rob Ford of his powers, which Mayor Ford describes as a "coup d'état."  

Rob Ford Update!

Toronto's favorite crack-addled mayor still refuses to step down.  At a recent city council meeting, Mayor Ford resisted the factions forcefully pressing for his resignation and countered by introducing a motion to drug test the entire city council!  Ford said he knows other council members are also drug users, and that while he "isn't a rat" and won't start naming names, he also won't stand for this hypocrisy.  So people of Toronto, don't worry that your mayor smokes a few rocks.  His replacement most likely would do the same! And since Ford's motion to drug test the council didn't pass, we can't even determine which members are clean.

Meet The 'Flume Dog'

I enjoy a log ride as much as the next person, but Jay Marc Harris, a.k.a.'Flume Dog,' really, really loves a log ride. From 1985 to 2006, Jay made an annual pilgrimage from his home in Connecticut to ride the log flumes at all the Six Flags theme parks around the country. This ritual came to an abrupt end when the self-styled 'Flume Dog' a.k.a 'Flumie' a.k.a 'The Great Flume' was banned for life from all Six Flags parks for repeatedly asking mothers if he could borrow their sons to accompany him in the log. Now, The Great Flume is suing Six Flags to try to regain access to his beloved log rides.

Flume Dog says he is just a misunderstood log ride fanatic. Because he is a Hasidic Jew and former rabbi, Harris says he can only ride theme park rides with another male and maintains he had no intention to abduct children or harm them in any way. As strange as this sounds, it is at least a plausible argument. The log flume ride seats two people, and single riders are routinely paired up by park staff with whoever is available. Flumie could easily be placed in a boat with a female rider, which would violate his religious beliefs. Unfortunately, this theory does not explain why Harris asked at least one mother if she could take pictures of him enjoying the ride with her son!

Another factor working against Flume Dog is the documentation of multiple instances when he illegally camped out in a Six Flags theme park without permission. In one incident in Atlanta, park employees found him chained to a tree along with his belongings. We'll have to follow Flumie's upcoming trial to see how stories like that might play to a jury.

The log ride in simpler days


San Antonio Express-News: In Court, 'Flume Dog' may have his day

Wild Boar Update!

We already know freakishly large feral pigs are taking over large swaths of Texas, Georgia, and Alabama, but now it looks like the oinking menace is moving west.  The Silicon Valley city of San Jose, California, has declared open season on wild boars roaming around ritzy neighborhoods; the wild hogs are scaring the country club crowd and damaging golf course fairways. San Jose is not going to stand for that.

Officials have given hunters three months to shoot or hog-tie as many of the marauding swine as they can. Oddly, city councilman Johnny Khamis tempered the announcement by saying, "It's not my intention to go out and commit a pig genocide." Genocide?  Has Khamis seen the stats on Hogzillas I and II?  When it comes to the wild hog menace, you have to stand your ground!

San Jose approves wild boar killings, not 'pig genocide'

Rob Ford, Toronto's Crack-Smoking Mayor

Toronto, Canada's Mayor Rob Ford is taking the sleazy politician vibe to a whole new level. I'm from Louisiana, so I don't have very high expectations. The majority of our elected officials end up doing time in prison after their terms end. But I'm still surprised when the mayor of a large city publicly admits he smoked crack during one of his many drunken stupors and expects everyone not to worry.  Ford gave a press conference about his drug use today, where he said he feels a million times better getting all this out in the open and doesn't have any plans to step down.  His argument seems to be that yes, he often gets black-out drunk and may smoke crack, visit a crack house, or who knows what when he's in such a state, but he doesn't believe this makes him any less effective as the mayor of 2.5 million residents.  Then again, should we listen to a guy that doesn't even remember the times he smoked crack?

Toronto Mayor Ford admits crack cocaine use, won't step down

Scary Pierre the Pelican

The NBA team the New Orleans Hornets changed their name to the New Orleans Pelicans, and last night they introduced their new mascot Pierre the Pelican.  Pierre is yellow and blue with an enormous red clown mouth and a giant mohawk.  In other words, he doesn't look anything like a pelican.  Pierre looks a lot more like a scary monster, and he has the internet on edge.

Here's a rundown of the different ways Pierre has struck terror into the hearts of bloggers everywhere:

The Pelicans' New Mascot Pierre Will Haunt Your Dreams (Bleacher Report)

The 10 Most Terrifying Pictures of Pierre the Pelican (Black & Gold Review)

Pierre the New Orleans Pelican is the scariest thing ever, the internet responds (SB Nation)

New Orleans Pelicans unveil terrifying new mascot (USA Today)

Pierre the Pelican draws a sharp social media reaction (Nola.com)

The New Orleans Pelicans' Mascot Is Here to Terrify Your Children (Dead Spin)

The New Orleans Pelicans' Mascot is Terrifying Everyone (Daily Dot)


We even have lone wolf Alex Woodward coming to Pierre's defense:

I support Pierre the Pelican, and so should you (Gambit Online)


Now, judge for yourself. Happy Halloween!!

A real pelican

Pierre the Pelican

Real Life 'Snakes on a Plane' Guy

I know what you're thinking, and no, William Wylly Lamar was not bringing hundreds of snakes on a plane in an attempt to kill a trial witness.  He was simply smuggling seven snakes from Lima, Peru, back to Tyler, Texas - in his jacket. I can't imagine why seven serpents on a multi-leg international flight wouldn't just cooperate and sleep quietly while squished tightly into a stuffy coat pocket, but there you go. The news report doesn't say how the TSA caught William with the snakes, but most likely, he had to send his jacket through the X-ray machine. Sorry, Mr. Lamar, but I don't think a technician is going to skip over an image that looks like the Nazi snake pit from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Willy Wylly, as I imagine his friends call him, works as an ecotourism guide - exactly the type of person who should know it's illegal to transport wild animals out of Peru without permission.  I don't think I'll be signing up for a tour!

Man Gets Probation for Smuggling Snakes on Planes

Oneal Morris & her bad butt injections

Fake plastic surgeon Oneal Morris will be spending 2014 in a Miami-Dade prison after her black market butt enhancement business was busted. The Floridian transsexual, born a man but living as a woman, was injecting her patients with a street silicone allegedly made up of a toxic bitch’s brew of Fix-a-Flat, cement, superglue, and bathroom caulk. Jeez.

Whether Oneal always mixed the home improvement items together according to some standard recipe or just filled her syringe with whatever was at hand is unknown. What is known is that one 32 year old patient under Morris’s care died of “massive systemic silicone migration” following one of her procedures. This means that the injected silicone made its way into the arteries in her lungs and ultimately caused respiratory failure, a syndrome tragically not unknown in the back alley injection business. By the way - if the silicone happens to migrate down into your leg, you might have to have it amputated.

Just because silicone is listed in a product's ingredients doesn't mean you're good to go. Deaths from bootleg silicone have occurred in Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Nevada, and New York. Oneal Morris is charged with manslaughter over her patient’s death, on top of her other charges for performing medical procedures without a license. 

This story is sad on so many levels.  It’s easy to make a villain out of Morris, but there was obviously a demand among her customers for this dangerous butt-plumping. This is troubling. Meanwhile, naturally fat-bottomed women everywhere are shaking their heads.

Defendant in Bad Butt Injections Case Pleads Guilty

Neil McArdle, the Bomb-Hoax Groom

Here's one that sounds like the plot line to a bad romantic comedy...

On his wedding day, Neil McArdle really, really couldn't face telling his fiancé he had forgotten to fill out the necessary forms for their marriage to take place. We've all been there - someone hands you a pile of papers and you shove them into a corner to do "later." Unfortunately, Mr. McArdle realized just the day before his nuptials that his betrothed would be parading around in a wedding dress for a wedding that had never been scheduled. As he saw it, the panicked groom had two options: confess he had botched the reservation and the wedding had to be postponed...or, call in a bomb scare at the marriage venue to buy time!  

Neil went with the bomb scare plan, which in retrospect, was a bad idea.  He's just now been released after spending a year in jail. The employees of St. George's Hall in Liverpool, where he should have been married, were utterly terrified after being told a deadly bomb would explode in forty-five minutes, and the authorities were definitely not amused. The one person who has forgiven Neil, however, is his fiancé, who stuck with him through the whole ordeal. It makes me wonder: is it possible she reacted more favorably to her husband-to-be being thrown in jail than she would have to learning he had forgotten to fill out the wedding forms?

Groom jailed over wedding day bomb hoax to try to prevent bride discovering failure to confirm venue

The Wallyworld Gator

A six-foot alligator in Apopka, Florida, planted himself in front of the local Wal-Mart this weekend. He wasn't doing much; he just sat there causing the automatic doors to open and close over and over until the alarmed workers finally figured out how to lock him out. This precaution turned out to be unnecessary, however, as the swamp-dwelling reptile was not ultimately interested in entering the store - possibly due to the negligible savings margins in many departments after you pass the lead promotional items. 

As for Wal-Mart's customers, the brave shoppers were not afraid of the alligator. Quite the opposite: the store's patrons took photos and seemed to really enjoy the incident! For The People of Wal-Mart, a large predator is just the thing to spice up the day. 

Alligator forces Walmart to lock doors

Today's Wackadoodle - Fishzilla

Alert all the Loch Ness Monster hunters: an eighteen foot long, three hundred pound oarfish has washed up on the California coast. The giant sea creature is slimy, requires fifteen people to lift it, and is clearly a nightmare-inducing serpent of the deep. This isn't the first monster oarfish to wash up, though. In 1996, a twenty-three foot oarfish was found on a beach near San Diego. All in all, I'd say it looks like Hogzilla has some maritime competition!

For rather obvious reasons, oarfish are thought to have inspired most legends of sea serpents. They descend to ocean depths of up to 3,000 feet and are rarely seen by humans, which makes them extra scary. Who knows what they're doing down there! But on the plus side, since it's so close to Halloween you and a dozen friends could do Fishzilla as a group costume!

Remains of the 1996 Oarfish


18-Foot-Long Serpent-Like Sea Creature Caught off Calif. Coast

George Valentine, Failed Ghostbuster

Wilkesbarre, Pennsylvania touts medium George Valentine as "the man who challenged Harry Houdini!" but it might be more accurate to describe this hometown hero as "the man Houdini humiliated in The New York Times." In the early 1920s, Valentine was a famous local ghostbuster; Wilkesbarre was a thriving, industrial coal town and the sister city of prosperous Scranton, Pennsylvania.

The Scientific American Magazine was offering a $5,000 prize for the first spiritualist who could prove he or she had supernatural powers. Harry Houdini was on the prize committee, and George Valentine volunteered to be the first contestant. Unfortunately for Valentine, Houdini was also on a personal quest to expose spiritualists. He suspected George was a fraud and hatched a plan to discredit him.

The Scranton/Wilkesbarre area was more of a big deal back then. Equidistant from New York and Philadelphia, Scranton was famous for being "The Electric City."  In 1880, before the ink was dry on Thomas Edison's patent, they installed their first electric lights. Then in 1886, they became the first city to feature electric street cars. The bright and shiny metropolis seemed destined for great things. Wilkesbarre, while not quite as cool as Scranton, went along for the ride. That's why it is such a tragic irony that their own George Valentine was discredited by electric lights!

Here's how it happened. The medium's presentation for the Scientific American committee consisted of George conjuring various Native American ghosts - who then irritated audience members by whacking them on the back of the head or tapping them on the knee. This all took place in the dark.

Houdini pretty much thought Valentine was a joke. The famous magician and escape artist exposed him with a bit of trickery. At George's séance, Houdini boobytrapped Valentine's chair in such a way that Houdini's assistant in the next room would see an electric light indicator every time George got up from the chair. The assistant recorded the times George was out of his chair, and lo and behold, they matched up with the activities of the "ghosts."

In his New York Times write-up of the affair, Houdini was merciless. He gave Valentine no respect as a medium or a performer and said his friends had been teasing him for being stupid enough to even show up for Valentine's act. He reported, "we had agreed to act like a lot of boobs to see what his game was," called Valentine a complete fraud, and said he and his his ilk should be put in jail for messing with people's emotions. Presumably, George Valentine couldn't really set foot outside of Wilkesbarre after the debacle. But that doesn't stop you from being able to learn about him at Psychic Theater night in Wilkesbarre's Houdini Museum. And while you're there, you can pop over to Scranton to see the restored "Electric City" sign!




Click here for the text of Houdini's New York Times article

Antechinus, the Suicidal Sex Mouse

The Antechinus is a mouse-like creature who waits till the last two weeks of his life to mate, and then gets at it so vigorously that it kills him.  In his horny swan song, the little marsupial transforms from life-long monk to rabid nymphomaniac,  copulating as much as possible with as many partners as possible, for sessions lasting up to fourteen hours at a time. This level of performance takes its toll. The overtaxed male Antechinus's body releases stress hormones which lead to the disintegration of his immune system, internal bleeding, gangrene, and finally, certain death.

Wow. I'm so glad humans don't have this system. Could you imagine if men were celibate until the age of seventy and then suddenly started fornicating themselves to death in continuous orgies? On second thought, do not try to imagine this.

http://www.scienceworldreport.com/articles/10167/20131012/male-antechinus-die-excessive-mating.htm

The Cattle Prod-Wielding Rabbis

Two Orthodox Jewish rabbis in New Jersey have been arrested for running a criminal ring that specialized in kidnapping and torturing Jewish husbands who refused to give their wives a divorce. (What?!)  It's true. For a minimum of $60,000, disgruntled married women could hire the gang to obtain a "get," a document in the Orthodox Jewish community that permits a wife to obtain a divorce. They gang would get the "get" by abducting the reluctant husband and terrorizing him physically and psychologically.

The Feds had been investigating the two rabbis and their accomplices for several years. The religious leaders' downfall was precipitated by telling an undercover FBI agent that their organization would kidnap her husband and torture him with an electric cattle prod! Kudos to the FBI for shutting this "business" down.

2 rabbis, 2 others charged in Jewish divorce shakedown

Paradise Newland & her Dolphin Doulas

Have you ever wondered why you have to give birth surrounded by boring humans? Instead of a midwife, why not a bobcat? Instead of a doctor, why not a duck? If you are so far out that this makes sense to you, you may be the perfect client for the Sirius Institute for dolphin-assisted birth.

Paradise Newland, also known as Star Newland, is the founder of the Sirius Institute and will be  happy to set you up with an underwater birth surrounded by dolphins in Hawaii. Maybe that's just what you've been looking for to spice up the otherwise humdrum miracle of life, but let's take a closer look. Is this a good idea - newborn + wild animals?

Paradise/Star certainly thinks so. On her website, she claims that babies born among dolphins develop faster, have heavier brains, and are ambidextrous(!) Ms. Newland also says "research sufficient for us," i.e. research that personally convinced Paradise Newland, proves dolphins can help heal depression, autism, Down's syndrome, and cerebral palsy.

But what if you still aren't convinced? Paradise warns that if you have a dolphin-free birth and get an epidural, your child is 3 times more likely to be a drug addict. Ouch!

Of course, there are also reasons why you might not want to pass your placenta into dolphin-infested waters. The New York Times reported research that concluded "dolphins seem to have murderous urges unrelated to the need for food," and also cited scientists who have seen evidence of dolphin infanticide, i.e. dolphins murdering newborn dolphins. There is also evidence dolphins kill baby porpoises. Hmmm, how many different species of babies do dolphins need to kill before we can agree they may not make the best doulas?

A pod of dolphins ready to catch your baby

Boogie, the Marathon-Running Dog

A chocolate lab named Boogie recently gained fame for running away from his owner - and then running a half marathon. Boogie completed the 13.1 mile race in 2 hours 15 minutes, putting him squarely in the top half of participants. The dog received a medal for the accomplishment.

According to Popular Mechanics, the best animals for marathon running- aside from humans - include horses, camels, sled dogs, pronghorn antelope and ostriches. These animals would all be likely to beat Boogie in his next race.



Indiana Dog That Crashed Half-Marathon Gets Medal

Today's Wackadoodle - Special Ed Moses

A man dressed as the Biblical character Moses and his donut-wielding associate recently staged a 2-man flash mob at a Tenafly, New Jersey middle school to raise awareness about special needs education. After pulling up in a red Lamborghini wielding signs and rewritten Ten Commandment tablets regarding proposed improvements in the special ed department, they handed out free donuts and perplexed the school's burgeoning adolescents until the police asked them to leave.

Whew. First of all, Charlton Heston is rolling over in his grave. Secondly, don't feel bad if you're confused. There are a lot of moving parts in this story - let's break it down.

* A man dressed as Moses arrives with his friend in a sports car at a northern New Jersey middle school. So far, so good.

* Moses waves around homemade, revised Ten Commandments relating to recommended practices for special needs education. What in the world did the rewritten Ten Commandments say -Thou shalt not discriminate against the dyslexic?

* They hand out donuts to the kids. For me, this is the most confusing aspect of this incident. Moses and his sidekick's professed goal was to raise awareness about improvements that could be made in the scholastic arena of special needs education. Shouldn't they be handing out donuts to the principal and administrative staff who make these decisions? The middle-school students cannot help their cause; they're just hungry.

* The police banish Moses from the school. This was probably a good idea. However, My9 New Jersey reports that the donut guy has an autistic daughter and is an advocate for the rights of special needs children. So what's our takeaway?

Let my people go!...to a classroom with a small teacher-to-pupil ratio where the learning environment is tailored to the specific needs of children with cognitive disabilities...

Raccoon Gangs of New York

First giant hogs were terrorizing Dallas. Then Atlanta suburbanites couldn't let their children walk to the bus stop for fear of swine attack. Now, New York City residents are complaining that raccoons are menacing groggy commuters at the subway station. Alright, humans. It's a given that a 1,000 pound boar at the entrance to the N train would definitely be intimidating, but are raccoons really that scary? Or is this just another case of media sensationalism?

To get to the bottom of this, let's review a few reasons why humans might be afraid of raccoons:

1) They wear masks like burglars - Okay, raccoons may be known as the "masked bandits," but aren't there also masked heroes?  Zorro wore a mask.  Batman wears a mask.  In fact, a lot of superheroes wear masks. Plus, the overall appearance of raccoons can be generally classified as "cute."  They look like some sort of a mixture between a dog and a cat, humans' two favorite pets.

VERDICT: Stupid reason to be afraid of raccoons.

2) They dig in the trash.  This one has some promise.  Bears dig in the trash, and they also occasionally eat people.  But a lovable, domesticated dog or a cat is also happy to dig in the trash if they get a chance, albeit not as skillfully as a raccoon, and that doesn't terrify us.

VERDICT: Annoying, but not a good reason to fear raccoons.

3) Raccoons sometimes become freakishly obese from gorging on trash. As cute as some raccoons can be, the sight of an obese raccoon is alarming.  I once saw one squatting on my neighbor's porch swing who looked to weigh about 40 pounds, and I admit my first instinct was to run. Presumably, an obese raccoon is a raccoon who has no fear of humans and is aggressive about getting more than his fair share of the garbage food pie.

VERDICT: A decent reason to be afraid of fat raccoons.

4) Raccoons carry rabies, don't they?  Well yes, just not for very long.  According to the Humane Society, raccoons are the #1 rabies carriers of the eastern U.S.  However, rabid raccoons usually don't last more than one to three days before they kick the bucket, meaning the odds are in your favor that you won't come across a rabies-crazed maniac raccoon. In fact, there is only one documented case of a human death caused by a raccoon infected with rabies.

VERDICT: A highly unlikely but still justifiable reason to shun raccoons.

5) Some raccoons are aggressive during the mating season and may bite.  I don't see an upside to this.

VERDICT: A good reason to feel alarmed by a raccoon waiting next to you on the train platform.

6) The Aztecs were big fans of both human sacrifice and raccoons.  The Aztecs practiced ridiculous, gratuitous levels of human sacrifice.  They also associated supernatural powers with raccoons. Could there be a connection?

VERDICT: Completely irrational reasoning, but probably still best to avoid raccoons.

Allan Jonas, Failed Arsonist

The news out of sunny Florida today informs me that Allan Linn Jonas, a suspected arsonist, was arrested after investigators found evidence he had set fire to his own home sixty different times. Wow. Jonas must be just as good at putting out fires as he is at lighting them, or his home would no longer exist. Unfortunately, it appears Allan used his fire-starting skills for evil; he is a "person of interest" in two cases in Pasco County, Florida where the victims' homes were burnt to the ground.

I would say he's a person of interest! The guy set his home on fire sixty times.

New Port Richey man accused of lighting his home on fire 60 times

James Price, Last of the Alchemists

Poor James Price (1752-1783) was born in the wrong era. The English chemist practiced alchemy, the science of transforming boring base metals into shiny silver and gold. Alchemy had been a respected art/science blend in Europe since the Middle Ages, but by the late eighteenth century the popularity of The Scientific Method was starting to cause trouble for would-be alchemists. Science had rules now, thanks to The Enlightenment, and there was less and less room for flamboyant claims that couldn't be backed up by hard data. The clash of the ages proved to be too much pressure for alchemist James Price.  He committed suicide by drinking prussic acid at the start of the demonstration that was supposed to confirm his alchemy process was legit and could pass scientific muster. Presumably, it was not legit.

When European alchemy started, that was not so important to people. In Medieval times, alchemy was a true cross-disciplinary pursuit.  It combined philosophy, science, religion, and a good bit of showmanship. There were several different goals pursued by alchemists. Turning other metals into gold and finding the fountain of youth were two of the most popular, for obvious reasons.

Before his tragic death, Price held a series of experiments open to the public where he exhibited his power to turn metals like borax and mercury into gold and silver.  His secret ingredient was a mysterious powder mixture he called "the powder of production."  At first, Price convinced scientists, lawyers, members of the clergy and other authorities of his prowess - and got great press. Some of the gold he made during his demonstrations was even given to King George III!

Unfortunately, Price's success was short-lived.  Fellow scientists from The Fellows of the Royal Society insisted that he perform his alchemy experiment again for their witnesses; they argued that the scientific society's reputation was at stake. Price stalled. He protested that the proof they demanded would damage his health, reputation, and cost more money in materials than the precious metals he could produce.  But the Royal Society wouldn't budge, and Price finally agreed to submit his alchemy process to scientific scrutiny. When the would-be inspectors showed up for Price's demonstration, he drank home-made prussic acid poison and fell down dead. Alchemy has never been the same since.

Jackoby Bertot, The Seagull Serial Killer

Birds everywhere can sleep better tonight after a terrifying seagull serial killer has been apprehended. The perp, Jackoby Bertot of Labadieville, Louisiana, is facing possible jail time for the brutal murders of forty-nine defenseless seagulls in a suburb of New Orleans. Allegedly, Bertot used his white pickup truck to run over the birds in the parking lots of various businesses; investigators say a surveillance tape from one of the businesses was key in cracking the case. Seagulls, surprising as it may seem, are protected under federal law by the Migratory Bird Act of 1918, which is being used to prosecute Bertot.

The deepest condolences are offered to the home colonies of the birds who have tragically passed away.  However, it must be admitted that gulls, though the victims in this shocking case, have garnered a fair amount of criticism themselves over the years. Some have called them "the rats of the sea" and condemned seagulls for pecking at whales, bugging people at the beach, and being obnoxiously loud. It is currently unknown what may have motivated Jackoby's savage killing spree, but psychologists may speculate whether he was harboring a grudge forged through bad experiences with gulls in the past - perhaps in his formative years.  While we can't put ourselves in the mind of such a ruthless killer, it is possible that a recent Gulf Coast vacation plagued by seagull droppings may have caused him to snap.

Authorities identify man accused of running over, killing 49 seagulls in Elmwood

The much-maligned Pacu Fish and its human-like teeth

Is there anything creepier than a fish with human-looking teeth?  How about a fish with human-like teeth who is also a relative of man-eating piranhas?  If your nightmares have gotten a little stale lately and you're looking for some good fodder, meet the Pacu fish.

This fish could borrow your bottom retainer, and there is something very, very wrong about that. The good news is that pacu fish, unlike their evil piranha cousins, are vegetarians.  They do not have any reason to bite you, and they don't want to eat you.  I promise.  But despite their relative harmlessness, pacu fish have been making a scary splash in the news lately.

The headlines started getting out of control ever since rumors emerged that the fish were known to attack fishermen's testicles in South America.  The Danish government even jumped on the bandwagon and warned male swimmers to keep their swim suits "tightly tied" after a pacu fish was spotted in Scandinavian waters.  This announcement was later disclaimed as being more of a joke than serious advice, but that hasn't stopped the headline millers from having a field day.  And we have no shortage of examples:

Toothy pacu fish caught in Swedish waters; skinny dippers are warned

Never mind the pollocks: Testicle-eating pacu fish found in Paris could be coming to the UK

Now testicle-eating fish related to the piranha is caught in NEW JERSEY lake weeks after it was found in France

Watch Out, New Jersey: The Testicle-Eating Pacu Fish Is Here to Eat Your Balls

Testicle-Biting Fish May Be Invading Denmark

Killer fish with teeth? Danish swimmers escape water fearing killer...

Swedish men warned of crotch-chomping fish

Wait, now I actually feel bad for the pacu fish.  This is a media smear campaign if I've ever seen one.  Fortunately, CNN found a pacu expert who says this is all a misunderstanding and pacu fish are peaceful creatures who just love swimming around and eating the fallen fruits and nuts from riverbank trees.  Hmmm...hold on again.  Pacu love chomping fallen fruits and nuts, both of which are kind of round like a man's balls; I don't think this is going to reassure anyone!

The smear campaign continues.

Today's Wackadoodle - Mina Crandon

Also known as "Margery," the beautiful Mina Crandon was one of the most well known mediums and séance holders of the 1920s.  She is famous for drawing the ire of Harry Houdini, the famed escape artist, who went on a late career crusade against spiritualists, mediums, ghostbusters, and spirit photographers.

Margery enjoyed a cloak of legitimacy by being married to a distinguished Boston doctor and enjoying a coterie of respectable acquaintances.  She even counted Sir Arthur Conan Doyle as a fan.  Among her talents, she produced "ectoplasm," or ghost goo, created psychic thumb prints, made spirit voices while her mouth was supposedly filled with water, and appeared to grow a teleplasmic hand out of her vagina.

Crandon was a bona fide exhibitionist.  She performed a lot of her séances  in the nude, and reportedly would fall onto the laps of male participants during the ceremony, which may have contributed to her popularity.  Just for good measure, her creepy, death-obsessed husband Dr. Crandon would decorate the house with nude photos of her on séance days.  And if all that wasn't weird enough, the United States army would read her prayers. Say what?

Harry Houdini became suspicious of Mina Crandon after she was nominated for a prize given by the Scientific American magazine. The master illusionist's attempts to expose Crandon's tricks met with mixed success.  Her devoted supporters weren't interested in testing Margery's authenticity and were hostile to Houdini's efforts. However, Crandon was slowly discredited through the remainder of her life and beyond.

Ironically, considering Houdini's extensive campaign against spiritualism, he and his wife made plans to communicate from beyond the grave after his death. In fact, Houdini's wife held séances for ten years in a futile effort to contact him.  And while there are no known reports of paranormal enthusiasts attempting to contact the lovely Mina Crandon, Harry Houdini séances continue to this day.

Hogzilla Update!

We already know feral hogs are terrorizing Dallas, Texas, but now CBS Atlanta reports huge, wild hogs are intimidating residents in the Atlanta suburbs too!  America, we officially have a giant hog problem.  

The Republic of Užupis

"Everyone has a right to live by the River Vilnelé, and the River Vilnelé has a right to flow by everyone."  So begins the official constitution of the tiny Republic of Užupis.  Founded by artists and dreamers, the 148 acre enclave is located within the city of Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania.

Užupis officially declared itself a republic in 1997. Its constitution contains 39 articles, including "A dog has the right to be a dog."  Užupis also has its own flag, currency, government, national anthem, minuscule army, and occasionally stamps passports.

When my husband and I visited the Republic in the summer of 2012, we tried our best to look nonchalant as we searched Užupis for what we had heard was a "secret sculpture garden of penises."  We couldn't find it.  But we did find a stack of debris that upon closer inspection included disassembled penis sculptures!  If the sculpture garden will one day be reassembled must remain a mystery until our next visit.

Today's Wackadoodle - Count Chiquinho Scarpa

An eccentric Brazilian tycoon known as Count Scarpa is busy today preparing to bury his $500,000 Bentley so he can drive it in the afterlife. After watching a television show about Egyptian Pharaohs, Count Scarpa rented a bulldozer and started digging a hole in his garden for the prized vehicle.  But wait, does Scarpa also intend to be buried in the back yard? The Pharoahs' whole system was to be entombed with their possessions. Someone needs to tell Count Cuckoo that his plan may not work otherwise.

Among Chiquinho Scarpa's other achievements, he owns a bird with her own business cards and escaped death after he contracted deadly bacteria and slipped into a coma. His condition was so serious that a priest came in and anointed him for the Last Rites - twice.

The brush with death may have inspired the Count's new preoccupation with the afterlife. But if he wants to be like the Pharoahs, I'm afraid one car isn't going to cut it.  Egyptian Pharoahs were buried with everything they could possibly need once they crossed over, including servants, pets and a toilet.  The tomb of Tutankhamun, who was just a minor ruler, contained over 3,500 items. So the Count better get to work.

Daily Mail: Brazilian businessman inspired by Egypt's Pharoahs...

Japanese Hot Tub Monkeys

Commonly known as "Snow Monkeys,"Japanese macaque monkeys love nothing more than bathing in soothing hot springs.  In Japan's Jigokudani Monkey Park outside of the city of Nagano, tourists can watch these highly intelligent primates soak, relax, groom each other, and live the good life at their monkeys-only spa.  The macaques pretty much ignore the shivering tourists bundled up in coats and scarves giggling and photographing them. Don't get me wrong - I would definitely visit, but it does make you wonder who is the more advanced species here.

A tourism website for the park says, "Around 160 monkeys are living here in the moment.  You can see them every day."  Clearly, they meant to say "at" the moment, but the typo is apt.  Snow monkeys have their priorities straight: spending time with their group of family and friends, hanging out in the hot tub, and making sure their hair (fur) always looks fantastic.

Fainting Goats Festival!

If you're free September 27th and 28th and can get yourself to Lewisburg, Tennessee, I highly suggest you check out "Goats Music and More," the world's only festival celebrating fainting goats.  Also called "nervous goats" or "wooden leg goats," this special breed is prone to panic attacks.  When an episode occurs, all the fainting goat's muscles freeze and become so stiff that he falls over.  The syndrome is most common among the younger of the nervous goats.  When they get older and wiser, they sometimes can brace themselves against a barn or a fence.

The festival takes place in an area of Tennessee where these neurotic, little goats originated.  According to the festival's website, the slate of fun includes plenty of goat displays, food, arts & crafts, childrens' activities, and "acoustic, bluegrass, country, and rock and roll music."  As if this wasn't enough, the festival is free.

And come one, where else can you see The Charlie Daniels Band AND fainting goat shows in one venue?

The Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay

Cornelius is a brown and furry, introverted rhesus macaque monkey who happens to also be famous for spending four years as a fugitive in South Florida!  Under the moniker "The Mystery Monkey of Tampa Bay," Cornelius continually eluded wildlife officials trying to trap him until he was finally caught in St. Petersburg in 2012...and found to have contracted Herpes B.  Ouch.

Despite the herpes, the zoo that finally re-incarcerated the Dr. Richard Kimble of primates has announced that they have found Cornelius a suitable female mate.  So far, the lucky lady's identity remains secret, but zoo officials did say that she is a perfect companion because of her similar "social habits."  If that's true, it sounds like there may soon be a whole family of rhesus monkeys on the lam.

Mystery Monkey Might Mate in Tampa Area Zoo

The woman with the longest last name in America

Move over, Beezow Doo-doo Zoppittybop-bop-bop! Mrs.Janice "Lokelani" Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele is the reigning queen of long,confusing names, and you can't even compete.  This Hawaiian lady doesn't understand why her county government has trouble fitting her nineteen syllable last name on her driver's license, and now she's complaining to the press.  Wow. Doesn't Mrs. Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele realize she's dealing with the DMV?

Nakia Grimes tried to get her driver's license renewed in Georgia, the DMV told her to go get a pap smear to prove she was a woman!  Of course, they later relented because there is documentary proof that Grimes has given birth. See, Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele?  It could be a lot worse.

And just in case you're wondering, Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele is pronounced: KAY'-ee-hah-nah-EE'-coo-COW'-ah-KAH'-hee-HOO'-lee-heh-eh-KAH'-how-NAH-eh-leh.  This name makes Beezow Doo-doo Zoppittybop-bop-bop sound like John Smith.


Woman's Last Name Doesn't Fit on a Driver's License

The amazing Arctic Woolly-Bear Caterpillar

Arctic woolly-bear caterpillars are fascinating creatures.  Before transforming into moths, they spend most of their life frozen solid like Hans Solo in The Empire Strikes Back. When the upper Artic winter chill starts, the caterpillar takes refuge under a rock where he will nonetheless freeze like a little hairy popsicle.

In fact, Arctic woolly-bear caterpillars spend 90% of their lives frozen!  The resilient little creature survives by producing natural anti-freeze that keeps it alive in temperatures up to -60 degrees centigrade.  This amazing adaptation helps the Arctic woolly-bear avoid exploding from the inside like a cracked ice cube.

Then after fourteen years of being practically dead most of the year,  this superbug turns into a moth and simply flies away.  Incredible!

I hope he flies somewhere a little warmer.

Gynaephora groenlandica

Chicago Joe and Boxcar Willemina, the Hobo Kittens

Two disheveled and dehydrated kittens were recently discovered stowed away after a five day train ride from Chicago, Illinois to Edmonton, Canada.  Dubbed Chicago Joe and Boxcar Willemina by their rescuers, the origin of the traveling kittens is unknown.  Needless to say, they did not have tickets or passports.  It's anyone's guess why these adorable hobos were trying to hop the border.

Kittens Survive 5-Day Train Ride from Chicago to Canada

Patrick Neal Schumacher, the Drunken Horseman

Every once in a while, you lose your driver's license over some silly DUI and have to ride your horse to your brother's wedding.  Patrick Neal Schumacher didn't let his suspended license stop him from making the 600 mile journey to his brother's nuptials in Bryce, Utah.  He did what any real American would do.  He strapped his trusty pet pug into his backpack, gingerly placed his pistol in his saddlebag, and grabbed a couple of six packs of beer.  Anyone who's ever ridden more than a few miles on a horse would concede that he was going to need it.

To get into the wedding spirit and make his journey more tolerable, Schumacher drank a couple of cans while he trotted along.  Unfortunately, he was riding through Boulder, Colorado, and the buzzkill authorities arrested him for occasionally swaying into traffic on his stallion.  Give a cowboy a break, guys!  A horse has a mind of its own.  You can't expect it to stay in a straight line all the way to Utah.

Here's hoping Schumacher makes it to the big day somehow.

Man accused of drunken horseback ride with dog

Roger Buchko, Master Craftsman

Lopatcong Township, New Jersey resident Roger Buchko recently built himself a giant mailbox shaped like a .44 Smith & Wesson revolver.  The mailbox was modeled on his own handgun and accepts mail into the muzzle.

The Northwestern New Jersey postal authorities approved Buchko's project prior to installation and continue to give the mailbox their complete support.  In fact, the local postmaster described the well-crafted Magnum replica as "innovative" in an interview with The Express-Times and compared it to mailboxes shaped as fish or cartoon characters.

Buchko asserts that he did not build the mailbox as a political statement on gun rights but as a vehicle to showcase his skills as a craftsman.  The semi-retired cabinet maker thought the eye-catching lawn ornament might get him some attention and win him some commissions.  So best of luck to Roger!

But more importantly, where are all these mailboxes shaped like fish and cartoon characters hiding?